Laughing nervously.

 

The last week has been challenging for me. I can attribute the ups and downs to chemical issues, but it's exhausting me. I feel like I've been driving with someone who is constantly pressing the gas until they get up to the speed limit, letting off, then pressing it again as the car starts to slow a little. I'm nauseous almost all the time and have very little appetite. On a positive note, my clothes look awesome on me.

Within the next week I will be interviewing for a promotion at work. I have a pretty good chance of getting it, but I'm still really nervous about the interview. Even now, after years of therapy and self-discovery, I still can't shake the feeling that people secretly dislike me. I think I will always feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't know an inside joke, laughing nervously. Logically, I can tell myself that people like me and enjoy working with me. It doesn't help my insecurity, though.

The best I can do is keep on keeping on. I've really been enjoying my job the last couple months. I've been running groups for the girls. Yesterday a girl told me that my groups helped calm her down and were her favorite. That made me feel great. Sometimes it feels like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. The previous director told me that we can't expect to see the skills they learn here manifest themselves until they're in their early to mid twenties. We're just planting seeds and helping them take root. It's still nice to get some present tense evidence, though.

Michael has been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even when I'm totally shut down. He's always willing to listen and try to help me figure out what I want to do next. He's better than most guys about not trying to immediately fix the situation. He's also very gentle with me. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to work, but we're going to celebrate together on Monday. In the meantime, I got him a case of Ramon noodles and a package of full size Three Musketeers bars. He was pretty happy with me.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work. If you're so inclined, send a prayer up for me. I really really want this promotion and I feel like it's supposed to happen, but you never know. Extra support is always appreciated.

Grab some popcorn, kids. And tissue.

I am feeling essentially unmotivated. This semester of school has not been good for my procrastination problem because I have a class once a week, then I have a weekend class once a month. I leave everything to the very last minute, which causes stress and even more essential unmotivation. I am not even motivated to write this blog, but I feel like it has been enough time since my last that I should. I don't even like the word 'should'. It indicates that I am judging myself.

Anyway, I thought that it would be easier for me to write about things than concepts, so I'm going to list and explain some of my favorite movies. 

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)

This movie is absolutely stunning. It is my favorite for so many reasons (some of which I can only talk about in poetry and paint). The use of color is breathtaking and the subtle Alice in Wonderland references are clever and well-placed. The message is one that everyone needs to hear. Be yourself. Live exactly how you want to. Be as vivid as you are capable of being. Explore yourself. Open your mind. Above all, love. Diane Arbus is a real person, a famous photographer, and although this film can only guess at what caused her to take flight, it is a beautiful guess.Fun fact: Mr. Arbus went on to be on the television show MASH.

The Painted Veil (2006)

Set in the middle of a crisis, this film is a beautiful, poignant portrait of a woman who loses, finds, and transforms herself. Unfortunately, this is one of the few examples of a film that is leaps and bounds better than the book. I picked up The Painted Veil expecting the same kind of transforming power and was let down. However, if you steer clear of the book, you can stumble onto a rich, historical, and very human account of a marriage bridging two worlds. The music in this film is an experience in and of itself. Especially one particular song.

Dan in Real Life (2007)

Aside from the obvious awesomeness of the soundtrack and cast, this movie is a surprisingly realistic depiction of what family is. As a concept. It is an organic interaction between people, not people acting out a script on a set. At least, that's how it feels. Because, of course it is a cast of actors being paid to play house. But, the magic of this film is that you can feel what is transpiring. You can remember times when someone in your family has said or done exactly what you're watching. The sweet misery of family and grief and love are explored in simple (yet, profound) terms. A "feel good" movie, for sure. But, it feels a lot more than good.

The Holiday (2006)

Ok, first, can you believe that fort!? It's amazing. Also, this movie is amazing. It is meaningful, but still hilarious and light. It speaks to everyone's desire to love and be passionately loved in return. It has wonderful actors in it. It's a chick flick that I actually like. So, all in all... this is a great film. It's too bad that the copy I have of it was used and skips right when it's starting to get good.


Honorable Mention:

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Michael introduced me to this movie and it is unbelievably vivid. The protagonist (or antagonist) experiences the world through scent. Since we cannot experience scent from the screen (yet, at least), the film is given to us overloaded with visuals (our main connection to the world). Color, texture, grit, skin, all of it. By the end of the film, you are left shocked by the richness of it all. I can't give it away, but it gets pretty crazy. I'd be willing to bet money that you won't guess how it ends.

Little Children (2006)

The multiple stories happening in this movie are very interesting and uncomfortable. The acting is believably, weird, and ultimately, the film ends where it began. Just, different. This film is definitely understated.

Black Swan (2010)

Nothing really needs to be said. This film is mesmerizing and terrifying.

The Wrestler (2008)

So much loss and so much sadness. It's palpable. This is a story I had, honestly, never considered before. It really humanized these hulking giants who are otherwise meaningless. Such a sad story.

Ok, I don't have any more time for this. I've been keeping up with my resolutions so far, but it's definitely difficult when I am so busy. I hope that you guys rush out and rent all of these movies and stay up all night watching them, back to back. Ok, so that'd probably overwhelm your emotions and you'd go into a coma, but still... watch them. See if they mean as much to you as they do to me.

P.S. It's pretty clear that I have some favorite actors and directors, as Black Swan and The Wrestler are from the same director. Also, Dan in Real Life replaced my old favorite Piece of April, which is the same director. Kate Winslet is my all time favorite actor, followed closely by Edward Norton, who is also represented on this list. There are SO SO SO many more movies that I absolutely adore. But, this is all I had the energy to itemize today.

Resolution

So, I've been having kind of an eventful couple of weeks. It all started when I was planning a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills group for the girls I work with. I decided that to warm up and introduce the group, we would free write for ten minutes on our ideal selves. What did she look like? What kinds of things did she think about? Where did she live? How did she appear to others? What did they say about her? What kinds of friends did she have? What were her ambitions? Etc.

During the exercise, I participated. It's a lot easier to participate than to sit still and quiet for ten minutes. The things that poured out of my pencil surprised me. I did the exercise twice during the course of two groups. Each time, my writing changed focus. I wrote things like:

"My ideal self is beautiful in her own eyes."

"She sings in the car, even when stopped near other cars."

"She knows how to let other people have their own problems"

"She calls just to say 'hello'."

"She is not afraid to contact the people she has fallen out of touch with."

"Sometimes, she sells crafts that she has made."

"She allows herself to be sensitive to others and to life."

"She is the kind of person you wish would call you."

"She lives in a small, two story house with an art room filled to the brim with very indie looking craft storage and paper products."

"She has a music room with a big window."

"Her kitchen is filled with mismatched dinnerware."

"She has weekly game nights with her friends where she makes salsa and other awesome snacks."

"She works out every other day and listens to audio books with her husband."

"She writes at least once a week."

"She plays the piano every day."

"She lives near a good park."

"Her life is whole on its own."

Following this exercise, I began to think about all the things that I am too busy to do. I'm too busy to hang out with my friends, especially during the school year when I have homework and a dirty house. I am too busy to write. I lost some really great lines to business. I definitely haven't touched the piano for longer than I'd like to admit. I don't have the space to do the paper crafts that I want to. I don't really talk on the phone. I bail on a lot of invitations because I'm tired.

I don't want to not do any of those things. I want to be present in my life and living it fully. I want to wake up and find my whole world populated with creativity and laughter. And good food. 

So, I've made a mid-year resolution 1) to hang out with people more often. I get so busy that I forget that I am actually the free agent in my life and can make the choice to spend my time how I please. So, let's get together within the next two weeks. Even if it's for an hour or two over coffee. 2) to create something at least once a week. This can be a poem, a paper craft project, a painting, a song, an idea, whatever. Anything that uses brain juice and makes me feel different from the next person. 3) to cook meals on the nights when I'm home. Michael loves my cooking and I am finding that I really like the whole process of planning meals and shopping for them. I like the feeling of putting food away in my kitchen. I love the color of food. and 4) to keep my space organized enough to not waste time on cleaning. I should have my space tidy enough that a major clean only takes a few hours and a minor one takes about a half hour. I only have 600 square feet. I should be able to handle that. It makes me feel so much better to have a clean house, too. It gives me more time with Michael where I'm not stressed out about the dishes or whatever. 


Along with these resolutions, I am making a pretty big commitment to myself. I am going to start making crafts and selling them. I don't know if that means I will sell them online on an etsy-like engine or whether I will make time to do craft fairs and farmer's markets, but it will happen. I've got a lot to learn, but I have some natural ability with placement and color. I love paper and patterns. I love how warm they can feel. Abundant. 

Here are some things I have made previously out of old book covers.

They're just things to look at, but I've got so many ideas of things to do that people would actually want. Things that I would buy if I could find them. So, in the semi-near future I will be figuring out how to make this happen. The first step is organization. I'm working on that. All the other steps will feel like running.


I am so excited.

A post from a former only child...

Since getting married, I have officially gained 5 brothers and sisters, along with their spouses. They are all awesome people and I feel so blessed to have such a huge family welcoming me into their arms. I haven't even talked about my new parents-in-law or any of the extended family, but that would be a much longer post. So, I thought I would quickly introduce you to my wonderful new siblings. I'll go from youngest to oldest.

Katelyn is a passionate, determined, and lively young woman who calls me 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous' as a nickname. She makes me feel welcome wherever I am and drops everything to spend time with me or help me out. She is engaged to a guy named Kevin who is crazy about her and the family. They're getting married in January. Katelyn perseveres and overcomes with optimism and faith. She is an incredible person. I wish that she could see that she is beautiful and talented, too.

Kimball is Michael's baby brother. Mike is very protective of Kimball. I haven't gotten to know him super well because he left on his mission a few weeks after I started hanging out with Michael. He got back in town in May and it turns out that we are pretty similar. He is a really good person with high moral standards. He also knows how to be goofy and have fun. He's engaged to a wonderful girl named Mandi that he has been in love with for 8 years (since high school). They're getting married in October. Kimball deserves all the happiness in the world and I hope that things work out for them.

This is where Michael is in the birth order. Pretty much right in the middle.

Melissa is Michael's older sister. She disappeared for a few years, but has recently come back into contact with the family. From the few times that I have talked to her and from what Michael has told me about her, she is incredibly genuine, beautiful, and hilarious. She is protective of Michael, which is very sweet. I can tell that she's working so hard to create a wonderful life for herself. I can't wait until I get to meet her in person. I also can't wait until we can have our cats play together. I love cats and she has really cute ones. They would be cute together with Cheeto and CC.

Trisha is the next oldest girl and she has visited the area a couple of times. She is married to a guy named Dan who is in the military. They move pretty frequently. She has a son, Dallin, and a new baby girl, Daesi, who is beautiful. Dallin is a blast and he is so super smart. Trisha is very protective of Michael and was pretty skeptical of me at first, but then we played darts and talked all night. Since then, she's loved me like family. I wish that she lived closer so we could spend time together. She makes me laugh, hard.

Christopher is the oldest brother and he and I have really bonded over the last couple years. There have been several times when it's been Chris, Michael, and I hanging out and Michael has fallen asleep. Chris and I have talked until it's light outside, about everything. He graduated from Boise State, so he knows that environment when no one else really does in the family. He also thinks about things in a similar way as I do. He is a really great guy. He'd drop everything to help me. He's been calling me 'sis' for years. Now that it's official, we are very close. He is married to a wonderful and adorable woman named Carolyn. He's got three girls: Kaybree, Kelsie, and Kyla. Also, Carolyn is pregnant! We're all hoping for a boy.

I am just so lucky to have such a beautiful group of people around me. I love all of them.

Lucky (or more accurately, blessed)

I'm feeling so good today that I thought I would share it with everyone. If I had to sum of the feelings I'm experiencing I would use words like 'accomplished', 'poised', 'grown up', 'excited', or maybe even 'competent'. But, it's hard to sum up a feeling in a way that allows others to experience it along with you. I would also venture to guess that not everyone has even felt this way.

I had some errands to run and a meeting with my professor about my research project. So, I drove to BSU in my beautiful, still-feels-new car with the radio playing only good songs. I get a spot right by the building. There isn't a line in either the registrar's office (where I change my name on the university's system to Smithee) or in the human resources department (where I fill out my I9 for my paid research position). Then, I grab a caramel frappuccino while the marching band blasts into the library with a parade of cheerleaders! Totally crazy. I slip out of that mad house and drive over to meet with my professor. The meeting goes great and I have actual tasks to do, now. Things I haven't done before and that I will benefit from knowing how to do. I am beyond excited. Then, I get back in my awesome car and drive home where, while I wait for my awesome new husband to get off work, I look at the wedding pictures that I just got in the mail. Later, we'll head over to my new brother-in-law's house for game night with the guys where I'm invited even though I'm a girl.

It's just such a good life. I was even feeling good enough to pick up some extra shifts at my work. I will probably regret that, but they needed the help and I need the money.

I can't imagine anything better than this.

The Grand Synopsis

So, I'm back from the honeymoon. Mike and I had a blast. We drove over 2,000 miles, about half of which was coastal highway. It was very beautiful. The wedding was brief. At least, it felt that way. By the time I was ready to actually sit down and enjoy the reception, almost everyone was gone and there was no more food! I guess that's how it goes, though. At my first wedding I didn't eat a whole lot, either.

Everything was beautiful, from the hotel room that my bridesmaids and I got ready in to the cake and reception flowers. I felt really taken care of, too. People did everything for me. I didn't have to worry about a thing. Well, I did have to worry about not crying. Michael and I were pretty shaky saying our vows to each other. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen were crying or fighting crying, too. It was pretty emotional.

After the ceremony, Michael and I headed to the Anniversary Inn where we stayed in the 'Fire & Ice' room. It was like our own personal love igloo. I won't go into too much detail, but there was a snow cave jacuzzi and canopy bed covered in furs (not real). Pretty romantic.

From there, Mike and I drove to Reno and stayed at the Sands Regency. The room we had reserved was a $50, pet and smoking friendly room. It reeked of urine and awfulness. I sprayed the whole room with deodorant, opened the windows, and we went down to look at all the awesome cars from Hot August Nights and go to Circus Circus. Still, by the time we got back to the room, it was still unbearable. So, we talked to the front desk and they moved us to the only other room available (a room that didn't have so many friends). So, we're in a different tower, top floor of the building, counting our way down to our room number when we come across double doors. Yea, a hotel room with double doors. The Presidential Suite. This room had a guest bathroom. For guests. Like, if were going to entertain in our hotel room. It had a dining room, living room, bar, kitchen, and a master bedroom (which was as big as our first room) which included a jacuzzi. All at no additional cost. The view from this room made Reno look bearable.

Then, we headed west to Monterey. We stayed at Lovers Point Inn in Pacific Grove. It was a nice enough room, but pretty average in comparison to what we had been lucky enough to stay in. Until the women working the front desk came giggling up to the third floor with a tray of local gourmet chocolates and sparkling cider. They essential doorbell ditched us. They put the tray on the ground, went downstairs, and then called the room telling us not to trip on our way out the door. So cute. We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which was crowded, but still awesome. Then, we were on our way.

Next stop, San Francisco. We stayed at Greenwich Inn. Perfect location, very small room. The only thing of note that we did was eat at Mama's. That's no small feat, by the way. We waited in line 45 minutes to get a table. The next day, on our way out of town, we wanted to go again, but the line was three times as long and we would've had to go back and pay for parking again. Apparently, it's like that every day up until they close at 3:00 pm. The food was excellent. Well worth the wait, believe it or not.

We spent the night in Crescent City where the lady at the Taco Bell gave me a free strawberry Frutista Freeze because Michael was nice to her over the speaker. That was the most exciting thing that happened.

Yachats was exactly the way I remembered it. We got to stay at the Adobe Resort with an ocean view. We spent hours clamoring over giant rock beaches and picking up all sorts of sea creatures. We drove into Newport to go to Mo's and had a blast at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum. Campy, but surprisingly fun. We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium and the place I always used to get fudge. Both were awesome. Then we left.

I had never been to Cannon Beach, but Michael had gone there in his childhood and loved it. The sand 'sings' if you slide your feet through it. We stayed at Shaw's Bed & Breakfast, which was so awesome. The Shaw's are unbelievably hospitable. Michael and I boogie boarded for about an hour, until we were bright pink with cold. Once the sun set, we watched Babe on VHS. I love that movie and Michael was a big baby and almost cried. I can't blame him, though. That song is powerful.

Once the movie was over, things started to unravel. I had been nursing a sore throat for a few days, but it hit full force during the night. I was so congested I couldn't breathe, became feverish, started panicking. I was up all night, miserable. I was so sick that we decided to skip our last destination, Portland, and just drive straight home. We had to cut the honeymoon short one day, but we were both ok with it. We had such a great time, one day didn't seem like too much to sacrifice.

I've been congested and weak since, but I'm doing echinacea like it's going out of style. I feel tons better. I've been opening gifts, finding places for them, and slowly setting up a system for Michael and I. Just today we went shopping for groceries for a whole week at a time. That sounds small, but it's a big deal for us. I am so happy that we're together and that my home is his home. It's a great feeling.

For anyone who was at the wedding, thank you so much for sharing that day with me. It means a lot to me. I've got to go to sleep now, it's late and I have to go change my driver's license tomorrow.

34 hours

Michael and I have been together since April 2009. Tomorrow, we'll tell the whole world that we're together by getting married. It's so crazy, I haven't even started getting excited yet. To celebrate (and to keep my stress level low) I've decided to share some of my favorite quotes about love.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for that part of me that you bring out." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"I do love nothing in the world so well as you." -William Shakespeare

"True love begins when nothing is looked for in return." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." -Thomas Merton

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." -Zora Neale Hurston

"The best proof of love is trust." -Joyce Brothers

"Love is not consolation. It is light." -Friedrich Nietzsche

"Seduce my mind and you can have my body." -Anonymous

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." -Ingrid Mergman

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche

"We don't always get to choose what we love." -Scott Westerfeld

"Love is friendship set on fire." -Jeremy Taylor

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." -Peter Ustinov

"Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed." -John Tarrant

"I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally." -Zelda Fitzgerald

"The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack." -Keith Miller

"The heart is the only broken instrument that works." -T. E. Kalem

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be...It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." -Erica Jong

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." -James Baldwin

And my favorite, right now...

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." -Emily Bronte

P.S. I will try to post at least once from the honeymoon, but it may not happen. There will be a thorough (but, not too thorough) update on our trip when I return home.