Totally, ridiculously awesome.

How would I sum up the last four months? Awesome. Totally, ridiculously awesome.

I completed my research assistant position and did a podium presentation at the undergraduate research conference at my school, receiving accolades and very valuable experience for graduate school.

Graduate school, which I got into and am starting in August.

Yea, I was accepted to the counseling program's fall cohort, which begins at the end of August. It's a commitment for the next three years of my life, but it's been my dream for the last three... so, it seems easy to make the choice to go. I am so excited, relieved, and terrified. I've been told over and over that it won't be like I expect it to be (which is what people say about being married, too). I'm just excited that it will be like anything, that it will be. Period.

Mike and I have been married for eight months, together for three years. I'm happier and happier every day. He is so supportive and is constantly telling me how proud he is of the person I am becoming. I feel empowered to pursue goals that seemed unrealistic before. I guess they were. But, when he has my back, they're within reach. The next goal is to get our own place. That's a big one.

I'm learning the guitar. It's nice to learn a new instrument. It's a good reminder about theory. Back to basics, in the most fundamental sense. Also, my fingers are getting a lot tougher. Especially the ring and pinky fingers on my left hand. Of course, I'm refusing to learn on the electric that Mike gave me. I'm opting for the acoustic he's given me. If I can learn on the acoustic, then I'm set. Right?

I'm excited about my new blog, as well. It's nice to write, again. It's been a while. Feel free to check it out.

Can someone just come over and give me a massage or something? Candy? Cash?

I'm kind of frustrated tonight for a few reasons.

One, I keep getting wrong number calls and texts. It started on the honeymoon. I got a wrong number phone call from some random guy. I told him it was a wrong number. He then continued to text me for an entire day, insisting that I knew him and he had met me at a party. I told him I don't go to parties, didn't know him, was on my honeymoon, and to leave me alone. He didn't. It got to the point that Mike had to answer the phone and threaten to call the police (namely his best friend who is a soon-to-be-full-fledged police officer) and report him for harassment. It was a miserable experience. Since then, I have gotten wrong number calls and texts at least once a week from all over the country. For the last two weeks, I've gotten at least two wrong number texts every day and at least one wrong number call every other day. It is infuriating. Most of the time I do not respond to them, but even when I do, they are from people who do not take 'You have the wrong number.' for an answer. They either don't believe me or want to talk, anyway. I will probably be changing my number on Monday, in spite of the fee. I cannot handle it, anymore. I don't know what to do about it. It's ridiculously stressful.

Two, I really don't like when you're trying to talk to someone over text and they just don't respond. That's been happening to me this past week and it's so aggravating. I guess I should expect it from the text medium and probably the people I'm talking to, but it still feels disrespectful. I mean, what if people just stopped mid-sentence, turned, and walked away from you? That kind of stuff doesn't fly in face-to-face life. It shouldn't elsewhere. To make matters worse, the conversation that bothered me today was something I've been stressing about for months. So, finally we start to talk and then like, two sentences in... nothing. I ended the "conversation" after three consecutive texts from me (all random prompts) and several silent hours with: "... 12 hours later." I guess if they find time to talk to me, they can figure it out. I'm still looking forward to having this long-awaited conversation, if it ever happens. Maybe I'm just too boring. I don't know. But, whatever.

I've got some stress from applying for the counseling program I want to get into, but it's not a very complicated application process... definitely not as complicated as some of my poor MFA friends are trying to tackle. But, it's my future and I want it so desperately. It'll happen, I know... I just want it to happen sooner rather than later. Fortunately, I seem to have a solid group of people willing to recommend me. Even my boss! That's really encouraging to me.
It's my weekend (it's convenient that it's the actual weekend, also), so I'm going to start enjoying it. :) 

 

Just thought I'd put in a picture that looks how I feel right now... generally good, but kind of complicated in the details. Oh, and yes, I took this picture.

hamburger cookies

Ingredients:

Nilla Wafers
Keebler Grasshoppers
Sweetened Shaved Coconut
Green Food Coloring
Tube of Red Frosting
Tube of Yellow Frosting

Directions:

Put coconut in a bowl and mix in green food coloring until it's the color of lettuce. Set aside.
Put a pearl-sized amount of red frosting on the flat side of a Nilla wafer and do the same with yellow frosting on the other side.
Put a Grasshopper cookie on either side, squishing the frosting just barely out of the sides so it is visible.
On the other remaining Nilla wafer, put a small clump of the green coconut and squish that to the Grasshopper cookie so the frosting is barely visible.

Then, eat them. They taste delicious. I can only manage one, maybe two... so, make them for a party. 

P.S. I didn't use sesame seeds because they aren't a dessert item and I don't like them. You could glue them on with corn syrup, though. If you wanted to. But, don't... you'll ruin it.

Laughing nervously.

 

The last week has been challenging for me. I can attribute the ups and downs to chemical issues, but it's exhausting me. I feel like I've been driving with someone who is constantly pressing the gas until they get up to the speed limit, letting off, then pressing it again as the car starts to slow a little. I'm nauseous almost all the time and have very little appetite. On a positive note, my clothes look awesome on me.

Within the next week I will be interviewing for a promotion at work. I have a pretty good chance of getting it, but I'm still really nervous about the interview. Even now, after years of therapy and self-discovery, I still can't shake the feeling that people secretly dislike me. I think I will always feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't know an inside joke, laughing nervously. Logically, I can tell myself that people like me and enjoy working with me. It doesn't help my insecurity, though.

The best I can do is keep on keeping on. I've really been enjoying my job the last couple months. I've been running groups for the girls. Yesterday a girl told me that my groups helped calm her down and were her favorite. That made me feel great. Sometimes it feels like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. The previous director told me that we can't expect to see the skills they learn here manifest themselves until they're in their early to mid twenties. We're just planting seeds and helping them take root. It's still nice to get some present tense evidence, though.

Michael has been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even when I'm totally shut down. He's always willing to listen and try to help me figure out what I want to do next. He's better than most guys about not trying to immediately fix the situation. He's also very gentle with me. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to work, but we're going to celebrate together on Monday. In the meantime, I got him a case of Ramon noodles and a package of full size Three Musketeers bars. He was pretty happy with me.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work. If you're so inclined, send a prayer up for me. I really really want this promotion and I feel like it's supposed to happen, but you never know. Extra support is always appreciated.

Grab some popcorn, kids. And tissue.

I am feeling essentially unmotivated. This semester of school has not been good for my procrastination problem because I have a class once a week, then I have a weekend class once a month. I leave everything to the very last minute, which causes stress and even more essential unmotivation. I am not even motivated to write this blog, but I feel like it has been enough time since my last that I should. I don't even like the word 'should'. It indicates that I am judging myself.

Anyway, I thought that it would be easier for me to write about things than concepts, so I'm going to list and explain some of my favorite movies. 

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)

This movie is absolutely stunning. It is my favorite for so many reasons (some of which I can only talk about in poetry and paint). The use of color is breathtaking and the subtle Alice in Wonderland references are clever and well-placed. The message is one that everyone needs to hear. Be yourself. Live exactly how you want to. Be as vivid as you are capable of being. Explore yourself. Open your mind. Above all, love. Diane Arbus is a real person, a famous photographer, and although this film can only guess at what caused her to take flight, it is a beautiful guess.Fun fact: Mr. Arbus went on to be on the television show MASH.

The Painted Veil (2006)

Set in the middle of a crisis, this film is a beautiful, poignant portrait of a woman who loses, finds, and transforms herself. Unfortunately, this is one of the few examples of a film that is leaps and bounds better than the book. I picked up The Painted Veil expecting the same kind of transforming power and was let down. However, if you steer clear of the book, you can stumble onto a rich, historical, and very human account of a marriage bridging two worlds. The music in this film is an experience in and of itself. Especially one particular song.

Dan in Real Life (2007)

Aside from the obvious awesomeness of the soundtrack and cast, this movie is a surprisingly realistic depiction of what family is. As a concept. It is an organic interaction between people, not people acting out a script on a set. At least, that's how it feels. Because, of course it is a cast of actors being paid to play house. But, the magic of this film is that you can feel what is transpiring. You can remember times when someone in your family has said or done exactly what you're watching. The sweet misery of family and grief and love are explored in simple (yet, profound) terms. A "feel good" movie, for sure. But, it feels a lot more than good.

The Holiday (2006)

Ok, first, can you believe that fort!? It's amazing. Also, this movie is amazing. It is meaningful, but still hilarious and light. It speaks to everyone's desire to love and be passionately loved in return. It has wonderful actors in it. It's a chick flick that I actually like. So, all in all... this is a great film. It's too bad that the copy I have of it was used and skips right when it's starting to get good.


Honorable Mention:

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Michael introduced me to this movie and it is unbelievably vivid. The protagonist (or antagonist) experiences the world through scent. Since we cannot experience scent from the screen (yet, at least), the film is given to us overloaded with visuals (our main connection to the world). Color, texture, grit, skin, all of it. By the end of the film, you are left shocked by the richness of it all. I can't give it away, but it gets pretty crazy. I'd be willing to bet money that you won't guess how it ends.

Little Children (2006)

The multiple stories happening in this movie are very interesting and uncomfortable. The acting is believably, weird, and ultimately, the film ends where it began. Just, different. This film is definitely understated.

Black Swan (2010)

Nothing really needs to be said. This film is mesmerizing and terrifying.

The Wrestler (2008)

So much loss and so much sadness. It's palpable. This is a story I had, honestly, never considered before. It really humanized these hulking giants who are otherwise meaningless. Such a sad story.

Ok, I don't have any more time for this. I've been keeping up with my resolutions so far, but it's definitely difficult when I am so busy. I hope that you guys rush out and rent all of these movies and stay up all night watching them, back to back. Ok, so that'd probably overwhelm your emotions and you'd go into a coma, but still... watch them. See if they mean as much to you as they do to me.

P.S. It's pretty clear that I have some favorite actors and directors, as Black Swan and The Wrestler are from the same director. Also, Dan in Real Life replaced my old favorite Piece of April, which is the same director. Kate Winslet is my all time favorite actor, followed closely by Edward Norton, who is also represented on this list. There are SO SO SO many more movies that I absolutely adore. But, this is all I had the energy to itemize today.

Resolution

So, I've been having kind of an eventful couple of weeks. It all started when I was planning a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills group for the girls I work with. I decided that to warm up and introduce the group, we would free write for ten minutes on our ideal selves. What did she look like? What kinds of things did she think about? Where did she live? How did she appear to others? What did they say about her? What kinds of friends did she have? What were her ambitions? Etc.

During the exercise, I participated. It's a lot easier to participate than to sit still and quiet for ten minutes. The things that poured out of my pencil surprised me. I did the exercise twice during the course of two groups. Each time, my writing changed focus. I wrote things like:

"My ideal self is beautiful in her own eyes."

"She sings in the car, even when stopped near other cars."

"She knows how to let other people have their own problems"

"She calls just to say 'hello'."

"She is not afraid to contact the people she has fallen out of touch with."

"Sometimes, she sells crafts that she has made."

"She allows herself to be sensitive to others and to life."

"She is the kind of person you wish would call you."

"She lives in a small, two story house with an art room filled to the brim with very indie looking craft storage and paper products."

"She has a music room with a big window."

"Her kitchen is filled with mismatched dinnerware."

"She has weekly game nights with her friends where she makes salsa and other awesome snacks."

"She works out every other day and listens to audio books with her husband."

"She writes at least once a week."

"She plays the piano every day."

"She lives near a good park."

"Her life is whole on its own."

Following this exercise, I began to think about all the things that I am too busy to do. I'm too busy to hang out with my friends, especially during the school year when I have homework and a dirty house. I am too busy to write. I lost some really great lines to business. I definitely haven't touched the piano for longer than I'd like to admit. I don't have the space to do the paper crafts that I want to. I don't really talk on the phone. I bail on a lot of invitations because I'm tired.

I don't want to not do any of those things. I want to be present in my life and living it fully. I want to wake up and find my whole world populated with creativity and laughter. And good food. 

So, I've made a mid-year resolution 1) to hang out with people more often. I get so busy that I forget that I am actually the free agent in my life and can make the choice to spend my time how I please. So, let's get together within the next two weeks. Even if it's for an hour or two over coffee. 2) to create something at least once a week. This can be a poem, a paper craft project, a painting, a song, an idea, whatever. Anything that uses brain juice and makes me feel different from the next person. 3) to cook meals on the nights when I'm home. Michael loves my cooking and I am finding that I really like the whole process of planning meals and shopping for them. I like the feeling of putting food away in my kitchen. I love the color of food. and 4) to keep my space organized enough to not waste time on cleaning. I should have my space tidy enough that a major clean only takes a few hours and a minor one takes about a half hour. I only have 600 square feet. I should be able to handle that. It makes me feel so much better to have a clean house, too. It gives me more time with Michael where I'm not stressed out about the dishes or whatever. 


Along with these resolutions, I am making a pretty big commitment to myself. I am going to start making crafts and selling them. I don't know if that means I will sell them online on an etsy-like engine or whether I will make time to do craft fairs and farmer's markets, but it will happen. I've got a lot to learn, but I have some natural ability with placement and color. I love paper and patterns. I love how warm they can feel. Abundant. 

Here are some things I have made previously out of old book covers.

They're just things to look at, but I've got so many ideas of things to do that people would actually want. Things that I would buy if I could find them. So, in the semi-near future I will be figuring out how to make this happen. The first step is organization. I'm working on that. All the other steps will feel like running.


I am so excited.

A post from a former only child...

Since getting married, I have officially gained 5 brothers and sisters, along with their spouses. They are all awesome people and I feel so blessed to have such a huge family welcoming me into their arms. I haven't even talked about my new parents-in-law or any of the extended family, but that would be a much longer post. So, I thought I would quickly introduce you to my wonderful new siblings. I'll go from youngest to oldest.

Katelyn is a passionate, determined, and lively young woman who calls me 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous' as a nickname. She makes me feel welcome wherever I am and drops everything to spend time with me or help me out. She is engaged to a guy named Kevin who is crazy about her and the family. They're getting married in January. Katelyn perseveres and overcomes with optimism and faith. She is an incredible person. I wish that she could see that she is beautiful and talented, too.

Kimball is Michael's baby brother. Mike is very protective of Kimball. I haven't gotten to know him super well because he left on his mission a few weeks after I started hanging out with Michael. He got back in town in May and it turns out that we are pretty similar. He is a really good person with high moral standards. He also knows how to be goofy and have fun. He's engaged to a wonderful girl named Mandi that he has been in love with for 8 years (since high school). They're getting married in October. Kimball deserves all the happiness in the world and I hope that things work out for them.

This is where Michael is in the birth order. Pretty much right in the middle.

Melissa is Michael's older sister. She disappeared for a few years, but has recently come back into contact with the family. From the few times that I have talked to her and from what Michael has told me about her, she is incredibly genuine, beautiful, and hilarious. She is protective of Michael, which is very sweet. I can tell that she's working so hard to create a wonderful life for herself. I can't wait until I get to meet her in person. I also can't wait until we can have our cats play together. I love cats and she has really cute ones. They would be cute together with Cheeto and CC.

Trisha is the next oldest girl and she has visited the area a couple of times. She is married to a guy named Dan who is in the military. They move pretty frequently. She has a son, Dallin, and a new baby girl, Daesi, who is beautiful. Dallin is a blast and he is so super smart. Trisha is very protective of Michael and was pretty skeptical of me at first, but then we played darts and talked all night. Since then, she's loved me like family. I wish that she lived closer so we could spend time together. She makes me laugh, hard.

Christopher is the oldest brother and he and I have really bonded over the last couple years. There have been several times when it's been Chris, Michael, and I hanging out and Michael has fallen asleep. Chris and I have talked until it's light outside, about everything. He graduated from Boise State, so he knows that environment when no one else really does in the family. He also thinks about things in a similar way as I do. He is a really great guy. He'd drop everything to help me. He's been calling me 'sis' for years. Now that it's official, we are very close. He is married to a wonderful and adorable woman named Carolyn. He's got three girls: Kaybree, Kelsie, and Kyla. Also, Carolyn is pregnant! We're all hoping for a boy.

I am just so lucky to have such a beautiful group of people around me. I love all of them.