I'm busy.

I recently read an article about how people say they're 'busy' when asked 'how are you?', as if it's something to brag about. Like, 'I'm so important and needed that I'm busy' or 'I can't seem to catch my breath, but I sure as hell am not going to waste my life with idle time, so I'm busy' or 'I haven't made time for you because my time is consumed by more important things, which I will convey to you as busy'.

I definitely know the feeling of 'busy'. I cannot seem to organize my schedule in a way that doesn't seem frantic and chaotic. The new job as a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist has been slow in developing, but it's gradually picking up. Every week I gain at least one, if not two, new clients which must be scheduled in. Then, the paperwork, which is mostly unpaid. Plus, this is the summer that I claimed for my own. My last summer before graduate school eats up every bit of free time for the next three years. So, we've been taking weekend trips, getting wicked sunburns, and having a generally marvelous time with friends and family. All in a seven day a week, twenty-four hour a day reality.

Hopefully, I'll have mastered the art of scheduling clients by the time I start my masters program, but I've begun to realize that 'busy' is an answer that I've chosen for myself. I can choose to be 'unbusy'. I can decide that my time isn't too important to be left idle. I can choose to take a breath. I can spend time with my friends and family. I can get my work done on a level that is 'good enough' and that it won't count any less than my usual 'above and beyond'.

So much of my life has been about completing something and having the final product be remarkable. I have craved admiration and respect in whatever field I have entered into. When I am not recognized for my talents and skills, I can feel resentment and bitterness clamor to the front of my mind. For example, my natural instinct to other people pursuing avenues that I am already proficient in, is to attack their work. You think you can do something? Look, I've already done it better and faster. I've taken classes. I'm educated. I've had more experience. I have a natural talent. Whatever.

Really, the problem is that I've become too 'busy' and that I am resentful of their ability to do whatever it is in their free time.I'm resentful that I don't have time to take many pictures anymore. I'm resentful that I haven't written a lot, lately. It sucks that I have piles of craft stuff, entire storms of ideas circling in my mind, but no time or space to actually create. 

It's a problem that I've created and I honestly don't know how to fix it.

I think I'll start by eliminating 'busy' as an option to answer the 'How are you?'s that come at me so frequently. Maybe I'll start responding that I'm 'tired'.

Plans

I don't know about the rest of the world, or even the rest of the valley I live in, but I was raised to believe that it's important to work ethically, dependably, and consistently in order to achieve your goals in life. I was told that this usually would involve a job of some kind. I've taken that to heart and have had a job and supported myself (aside from rent - I live with my parents) since I was 18. I know the value of hard work. I know the value of making sure you don't burn bridges and are kind to everyone you meet. You never know when you will meet them again, and in what capacity.

I was also taught to take care of myself and my family, trust God with the direction of my life, and to trust my gut. My gut told me to step down from a job that I've had for the last two years. There are a number of reasons for this, but the main one is that I've gotten all that I can from it and it's time to move on to the next step of my career. There was not a lot more that I could have gleaned from more time spent there.

It's scary to take a step without seeing the staircase. It's scary to not know where the next paycheck will be coming from. It's scary to think that I might have to tap into savings to survive the next couple months until financial aid kicks in. It's scary to think that I might not be able to achieve my goal of having my own place by December. That is something that I have wanted for so long. 

But, I am very familiar with trust. I am so aware that things fall apart so better things can fall in place. I know that every time that I've questioned why something was happening (why didn't I get into the class that let me graduate on time? why didn't I get the promotion to team leader?), I've been given a belated answer that was better than what I could have imagined possible.

I didn't get into the class, forcing me to graduate a full year later, so that I could be asked by that professor to do a research assistantship with her. That research assistantship position allowed me to have a really strong advantage in my vocational and educational future. I didn't get the promotion because I wasn't supposed to stay there for much longer. Additionally, because I didn't get the promotion, I applied to the graduate program... and guess what? Now, I'm accepted.

I wouldn't be going to the masters program if I hadn't graduated late and not gotten a promotion I really wanted, and was qualified for. 

That's the way my life works, always has. When I am stressed, all I have to remember is that I have family and friends who love me and that I cannot fall out of reach. I couldn't escape the plan for my life, even if I was actively trying to. I am never unreachable. I am always understood. 

So, I don't know for sure what I'll be doing this summer. I stepped down at my previous employment (I'm technically still working there, just as a call-in staff), took a job as a Developmental Technician with a decent company while I was looking for more career-oriented work, have had interviews all this week, called and quit the Developmental Technician position in order to not breach my own personal ethics, and hopefully will get that magical full-time, great pay, fulfilling hire next Tuesday (I had a great interview today),

but I don't know for sure. In this moment in time, as a world, it's very scary to not know for sure. But, I guess I do. I know for sure that I'll be fine.

 Also, while I have very little employment, I can spend more time with friends and family that have gotten lost in the whirlwind of graduating, orientation, and work. Maybe I can even go camping.

Totally, ridiculously awesome.

How would I sum up the last four months? Awesome. Totally, ridiculously awesome.

I completed my research assistant position and did a podium presentation at the undergraduate research conference at my school, receiving accolades and very valuable experience for graduate school.

Graduate school, which I got into and am starting in August.

Yea, I was accepted to the counseling program's fall cohort, which begins at the end of August. It's a commitment for the next three years of my life, but it's been my dream for the last three... so, it seems easy to make the choice to go. I am so excited, relieved, and terrified. I've been told over and over that it won't be like I expect it to be (which is what people say about being married, too). I'm just excited that it will be like anything, that it will be. Period.

Mike and I have been married for eight months, together for three years. I'm happier and happier every day. He is so supportive and is constantly telling me how proud he is of the person I am becoming. I feel empowered to pursue goals that seemed unrealistic before. I guess they were. But, when he has my back, they're within reach. The next goal is to get our own place. That's a big one.

I'm learning the guitar. It's nice to learn a new instrument. It's a good reminder about theory. Back to basics, in the most fundamental sense. Also, my fingers are getting a lot tougher. Especially the ring and pinky fingers on my left hand. Of course, I'm refusing to learn on the electric that Mike gave me. I'm opting for the acoustic he's given me. If I can learn on the acoustic, then I'm set. Right?

I'm excited about my new blog, as well. It's nice to write, again. It's been a while. Feel free to check it out.

Can someone just come over and give me a massage or something? Candy? Cash?

I'm kind of frustrated tonight for a few reasons.

One, I keep getting wrong number calls and texts. It started on the honeymoon. I got a wrong number phone call from some random guy. I told him it was a wrong number. He then continued to text me for an entire day, insisting that I knew him and he had met me at a party. I told him I don't go to parties, didn't know him, was on my honeymoon, and to leave me alone. He didn't. It got to the point that Mike had to answer the phone and threaten to call the police (namely his best friend who is a soon-to-be-full-fledged police officer) and report him for harassment. It was a miserable experience. Since then, I have gotten wrong number calls and texts at least once a week from all over the country. For the last two weeks, I've gotten at least two wrong number texts every day and at least one wrong number call every other day. It is infuriating. Most of the time I do not respond to them, but even when I do, they are from people who do not take 'You have the wrong number.' for an answer. They either don't believe me or want to talk, anyway. I will probably be changing my number on Monday, in spite of the fee. I cannot handle it, anymore. I don't know what to do about it. It's ridiculously stressful.

Two, I really don't like when you're trying to talk to someone over text and they just don't respond. That's been happening to me this past week and it's so aggravating. I guess I should expect it from the text medium and probably the people I'm talking to, but it still feels disrespectful. I mean, what if people just stopped mid-sentence, turned, and walked away from you? That kind of stuff doesn't fly in face-to-face life. It shouldn't elsewhere. To make matters worse, the conversation that bothered me today was something I've been stressing about for months. So, finally we start to talk and then like, two sentences in... nothing. I ended the "conversation" after three consecutive texts from me (all random prompts) and several silent hours with: "... 12 hours later." I guess if they find time to talk to me, they can figure it out. I'm still looking forward to having this long-awaited conversation, if it ever happens. Maybe I'm just too boring. I don't know. But, whatever.

I've got some stress from applying for the counseling program I want to get into, but it's not a very complicated application process... definitely not as complicated as some of my poor MFA friends are trying to tackle. But, it's my future and I want it so desperately. It'll happen, I know... I just want it to happen sooner rather than later. Fortunately, I seem to have a solid group of people willing to recommend me. Even my boss! That's really encouraging to me.
It's my weekend (it's convenient that it's the actual weekend, also), so I'm going to start enjoying it. :) 

 

Just thought I'd put in a picture that looks how I feel right now... generally good, but kind of complicated in the details. Oh, and yes, I took this picture.

hamburger cookies

Ingredients:

Nilla Wafers
Keebler Grasshoppers
Sweetened Shaved Coconut
Green Food Coloring
Tube of Red Frosting
Tube of Yellow Frosting

Directions:

Put coconut in a bowl and mix in green food coloring until it's the color of lettuce. Set aside.
Put a pearl-sized amount of red frosting on the flat side of a Nilla wafer and do the same with yellow frosting on the other side.
Put a Grasshopper cookie on either side, squishing the frosting just barely out of the sides so it is visible.
On the other remaining Nilla wafer, put a small clump of the green coconut and squish that to the Grasshopper cookie so the frosting is barely visible.

Then, eat them. They taste delicious. I can only manage one, maybe two... so, make them for a party. 

P.S. I didn't use sesame seeds because they aren't a dessert item and I don't like them. You could glue them on with corn syrup, though. If you wanted to. But, don't... you'll ruin it.

Laughing nervously.

 

The last week has been challenging for me. I can attribute the ups and downs to chemical issues, but it's exhausting me. I feel like I've been driving with someone who is constantly pressing the gas until they get up to the speed limit, letting off, then pressing it again as the car starts to slow a little. I'm nauseous almost all the time and have very little appetite. On a positive note, my clothes look awesome on me.

Within the next week I will be interviewing for a promotion at work. I have a pretty good chance of getting it, but I'm still really nervous about the interview. Even now, after years of therapy and self-discovery, I still can't shake the feeling that people secretly dislike me. I think I will always feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't know an inside joke, laughing nervously. Logically, I can tell myself that people like me and enjoy working with me. It doesn't help my insecurity, though.

The best I can do is keep on keeping on. I've really been enjoying my job the last couple months. I've been running groups for the girls. Yesterday a girl told me that my groups helped calm her down and were her favorite. That made me feel great. Sometimes it feels like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. The previous director told me that we can't expect to see the skills they learn here manifest themselves until they're in their early to mid twenties. We're just planting seeds and helping them take root. It's still nice to get some present tense evidence, though.

Michael has been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even when I'm totally shut down. He's always willing to listen and try to help me figure out what I want to do next. He's better than most guys about not trying to immediately fix the situation. He's also very gentle with me. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to work, but we're going to celebrate together on Monday. In the meantime, I got him a case of Ramon noodles and a package of full size Three Musketeers bars. He was pretty happy with me.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work. If you're so inclined, send a prayer up for me. I really really want this promotion and I feel like it's supposed to happen, but you never know. Extra support is always appreciated.

Grab some popcorn, kids. And tissue.

I am feeling essentially unmotivated. This semester of school has not been good for my procrastination problem because I have a class once a week, then I have a weekend class once a month. I leave everything to the very last minute, which causes stress and even more essential unmotivation. I am not even motivated to write this blog, but I feel like it has been enough time since my last that I should. I don't even like the word 'should'. It indicates that I am judging myself.

Anyway, I thought that it would be easier for me to write about things than concepts, so I'm going to list and explain some of my favorite movies. 

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)

This movie is absolutely stunning. It is my favorite for so many reasons (some of which I can only talk about in poetry and paint). The use of color is breathtaking and the subtle Alice in Wonderland references are clever and well-placed. The message is one that everyone needs to hear. Be yourself. Live exactly how you want to. Be as vivid as you are capable of being. Explore yourself. Open your mind. Above all, love. Diane Arbus is a real person, a famous photographer, and although this film can only guess at what caused her to take flight, it is a beautiful guess.Fun fact: Mr. Arbus went on to be on the television show MASH.

The Painted Veil (2006)

Set in the middle of a crisis, this film is a beautiful, poignant portrait of a woman who loses, finds, and transforms herself. Unfortunately, this is one of the few examples of a film that is leaps and bounds better than the book. I picked up The Painted Veil expecting the same kind of transforming power and was let down. However, if you steer clear of the book, you can stumble onto a rich, historical, and very human account of a marriage bridging two worlds. The music in this film is an experience in and of itself. Especially one particular song.

Dan in Real Life (2007)

Aside from the obvious awesomeness of the soundtrack and cast, this movie is a surprisingly realistic depiction of what family is. As a concept. It is an organic interaction between people, not people acting out a script on a set. At least, that's how it feels. Because, of course it is a cast of actors being paid to play house. But, the magic of this film is that you can feel what is transpiring. You can remember times when someone in your family has said or done exactly what you're watching. The sweet misery of family and grief and love are explored in simple (yet, profound) terms. A "feel good" movie, for sure. But, it feels a lot more than good.

The Holiday (2006)

Ok, first, can you believe that fort!? It's amazing. Also, this movie is amazing. It is meaningful, but still hilarious and light. It speaks to everyone's desire to love and be passionately loved in return. It has wonderful actors in it. It's a chick flick that I actually like. So, all in all... this is a great film. It's too bad that the copy I have of it was used and skips right when it's starting to get good.


Honorable Mention:

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Michael introduced me to this movie and it is unbelievably vivid. The protagonist (or antagonist) experiences the world through scent. Since we cannot experience scent from the screen (yet, at least), the film is given to us overloaded with visuals (our main connection to the world). Color, texture, grit, skin, all of it. By the end of the film, you are left shocked by the richness of it all. I can't give it away, but it gets pretty crazy. I'd be willing to bet money that you won't guess how it ends.

Little Children (2006)

The multiple stories happening in this movie are very interesting and uncomfortable. The acting is believably, weird, and ultimately, the film ends where it began. Just, different. This film is definitely understated.

Black Swan (2010)

Nothing really needs to be said. This film is mesmerizing and terrifying.

The Wrestler (2008)

So much loss and so much sadness. It's palpable. This is a story I had, honestly, never considered before. It really humanized these hulking giants who are otherwise meaningless. Such a sad story.

Ok, I don't have any more time for this. I've been keeping up with my resolutions so far, but it's definitely difficult when I am so busy. I hope that you guys rush out and rent all of these movies and stay up all night watching them, back to back. Ok, so that'd probably overwhelm your emotions and you'd go into a coma, but still... watch them. See if they mean as much to you as they do to me.

P.S. It's pretty clear that I have some favorite actors and directors, as Black Swan and The Wrestler are from the same director. Also, Dan in Real Life replaced my old favorite Piece of April, which is the same director. Kate Winslet is my all time favorite actor, followed closely by Edward Norton, who is also represented on this list. There are SO SO SO many more movies that I absolutely adore. But, this is all I had the energy to itemize today.