I recently read an article about how people say they're 'busy' when asked 'how are you?', as if it's something to brag about. Like, 'I'm so important and needed that I'm busy' or 'I can't seem to catch my breath, but I sure as hell am not going to waste my life with idle time, so I'm busy' or 'I haven't made time for you because my time is consumed by more important things, which I will convey to you as busy'.
I definitely know the feeling of 'busy'. I cannot seem to organize my schedule in a way that doesn't seem frantic and chaotic. The new job as a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist has been slow in developing, but it's gradually picking up. Every week I gain at least one, if not two, new clients which must be scheduled in. Then, the paperwork, which is mostly unpaid. Plus, this is the summer that I claimed for my own. My last summer before graduate school eats up every bit of free time for the next three years. So, we've been taking weekend trips, getting wicked sunburns, and having a generally marvelous time with friends and family. All in a seven day a week, twenty-four hour a day reality.
Hopefully, I'll have mastered the art of scheduling clients by the time I start my masters program, but I've begun to realize that 'busy' is an answer that I've chosen for myself. I can choose to be 'unbusy'. I can decide that my time isn't too important to be left idle. I can choose to take a breath. I can spend time with my friends and family. I can get my work done on a level that is 'good enough' and that it won't count any less than my usual 'above and beyond'.
So much of my life has been about completing something and having the final product be remarkable. I have craved admiration and respect in whatever field I have entered into. When I am not recognized for my talents and skills, I can feel resentment and bitterness clamor to the front of my mind. For example, my natural instinct to other people pursuing avenues that I am already proficient in, is to attack their work. You think you can do something? Look, I've already done it better and faster. I've taken classes. I'm educated. I've had more experience. I have a natural talent. Whatever.
Really, the problem is that I've become too 'busy' and that I am resentful of their ability to do whatever it is in their free time.I'm resentful that I don't have time to take many pictures anymore. I'm resentful that I haven't written a lot, lately. It sucks that I have piles of craft stuff, entire storms of ideas circling in my mind, but no time or space to actually create.
It's a problem that I've created and I honestly don't know how to fix it.
I think I'll start by eliminating 'busy' as an option to answer the 'How are you?'s that come at me so frequently. Maybe I'll start responding that I'm 'tired'.
