Counter-intuitive.

Learning how to let go is difficult. It's even more difficult when the letting go also involves saying goodbye. However, sometimes what is necessary for healing is a letting go. I'm learning that lesson every day. Sometimes, healing is painful.

When I'm explaining this idea to clients, I usually use the analogy of having a broken bone. The initial break is painful, debilitating. The person will protect the broken area, preventing others from touching it or from putting any weight on it. It may be extremely painful to have the broken bone set. Even the idea of moving the bones around under the skin, repositioning it, can be terrifying. So, someone might not want the bone to be set. But...

If the bone is not set, it will heal incorrectly. 

I think that I've had some things heal incorrectly due to neglect, due to not wanting to do the work necessary to grow and move forward with my life. Now, I'm dealing with the painful, but productive process of re-breaking the bones, setting them in their proper place, so that I can grow.

I can also compare it to having a wound. Although covering up the wound seems like the best way to help it heal, in reality, the wound needs some sunlight and fresh air in order to clear out infection and puss. If it is kept covered, secret, it will fester. In general, although the wound may be disgusting and putrid, the only way to let it heal is to keep it cleared out and open.

It's counter-intuitive, I know.

But, that's the truth. So, that's kind of where I am right now. It's a vulnerable place to be, but it's a stronger, healthier place as well. I really believe that. Luckily, I've got the most supportive friends and family around me. They don't care if I occasionally appear fairly broken or sick. They know that sometimes things that look really painful or unwell are actually just growing. 

I was once told that "secrets keep us sick". So, maybe you've got some stuff that you're hiding because it's ugly. I'm not saying to let everyone see it, or to trust everyone to support you while you're re-breaking those bones on the road to personal growth, but maybe hiding isn't the answer either. Find your balance and what works for you, but just consider some alternatives.

Ok! That's all. Here's a cute picture of CC, who thinks she is hiding. She's not doing a very good job at it! We usually aren't, either.

simultaneously.

I'm nearing the end.

Yuck, that sounded really dramatic. What I mean is:

I am almost done with graduate school.

I know, it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal. It’s just school. I’ve been going to school since I was five years old, at a university level since I was eighteen. I’m staring down my quarter century mark, which makes my collegiate career a whopping seven years long. By the time I am finished, I will have been going to Boise State for eight years.

That’s just under a third of my life and it’s almost done.

I have two semesters left, 18 credit hours, and a big chunk of internship… but, then I will be finished.

So, looking at the past and future simultaneously, what have I learned? Where am I now? What am I hoping to have gleaned from all of this?

Well, I would like to have learned to be a pretty damn good counselor. If that hasn’t happened by 3 years in a master’s level training program, I should probably take a vow of silence and never leave my house again. But, seriously… I’d like to be the kind of person and professional that makes a difference, that leaves a lasting impression on people, and helps them go on their way, stronger and more empowered than they were before they met me. If I have developed the skills to make that happen for people, this won’t have been a waste of time.

I would like to be a more patient, more grateful, and more centered person. I’d like to have learned how to appreciate my friends, my family, and my wonderful husband. I would hope that I can take care of myself, put myself at an appropriate priority level in my life. I’d like to make my own choices and choose my own path, without being afraid of what other people will say. So much of my life is dictated by the outside. I would like that to change over the next school year.

Generally, I believe we never stop growing. So, I’d like to learn how to grow a little more gracefully. I want to handle the transitions a little more smoothly. Maybe even get to enjoy the ride a little more, rather than just the destination.

So… here we go.

safe and alone.

Relationships are hard.

Romantic or otherwise, relationships can be some of the most magical, fulfilling, and interesting experiences we have in our lives and (sometimes simultaneously) can be devastatingly painful, disquieting, and disorienting. There are not many experiences which contain so much contrast. 

However, relationships are essential for our personal wellness. Loneliness may be a part of life, with everyone feeling alone at some points in time, but our minds, bodies, and souls respond to human connection. Whether you are the kind of person with a hundred good friends or one or two people who you trust with everything, relationships are part of your health and your happiness.

 In my personal life, I am not very good at relationships. A lot of that has to do with my mental disorder, but some of it is just part of how I developed as a person.

I am not trusting. I am impulsive. I overshare. I lie. I am a flake. I am selfish.

And I am scared.

I am scared of relationships. Both romantic and platonic relationships carry a lot of risk. Trust is a risky endeavor, and relationships are build on it. That risk often leads me to chicken out. I abandon friends. They do something to offend me and I use that opportunity to bail on the whole concept. Under the guise of having strong boundaries and standards, I have kept myself safe and alone.

Slowly, through the experience of my graduate program and my personal development, I am changing that. I am trying to be a better friend and to cultivate friendships that are supportive and fulfilling. I have met so many amazing people over the last year or so. I don't know how much I screw up as a friend, but becuase of my willingness to be honest and vulnerable, these people have stuck with me.

I am building relationships I never thought I would have.
And it is so great.

Here's to vulnerability.

5 things I wish I knew.

I talk a lot about being gentle. I say it to clients, both work and school ones, and I say it to my friends. I talk about honesty, specifically emotional honesty. I discuss the benefits of being genuine and accepting of yourself, exactly as you are, while still searching for opportunities to grow and expand your mind.

In short, I talk a lot about wellness.

However, in practice, I often fall short. I am not gentle with myself. I am impatient, condescending, belittling, and entirely negative when I am thinking to myself. The same grace that I try to give the people around me is sorely lacking when I focus on myself, looking inward.

There are a few possible reasons for this:

Maybe I don’t like the person that I see when I look in the mirror.
Maybe I am not as successful as I would like to be, as accomplished or productive.
Maybe I could be a better friend.
Maybe I don’t try hard enough.

OR… maybe I have been taught to be hard on myself.

That last one rings a lot more true to me than any of the statements before. I have learned, through my culture and my own personal experiences, that I am capable of excellence and that anything less is inadequate. I have learned that anything that can be perceived as a weakness must, in fact, be a weakness.

All of these things are false. Unfortunately, I can know that intellectually without believing it in my heart. So, if I could tell myself five things and immediately believe and incorporate them into my core beliefs, they would be these things:

1. Although I am capable of excellence, the entire range of my ability to generate product is acceptable. It’s ok if I only do good enough on something. It’s even ok if I fail. My value as an individual is not correlated to the value of the things I do.

And no, I do not believe that we are what we do.

2. Saying ‘no’ is not wrong. My ‘no’s are not usually very straightforward, but they involve not signing up to participate in a school organization, not volunteering to do extra shopping for a work project, and not working on weekends or holidays. I could easily fit more work into my schedule, more volunteering into my day, and eventually I could easily just schedule myself out of a life… but, my down time and my personal wellness have become very important to me. That means that I must say ‘no’ to activities I don’t actually want to do. Our lives are so short. I do not want to spend any of my brief time on things I don’t find personal value and fulfillment in, especially at the cost of my own wellness.

3. Relationships matter. Up until fairly recently, I have treated my priorities as rigid and sacred. My priorities always looked like this: school, work, family, friends. Not only is that list deceptively simple, it is not conducive to personal wellness and self-care. If I made a list now, it would look like this: Myself and Michael, family and friends, personal interests and passion, school-related stuff, work-related stuff. But, like I said, my priorities are more fluid now. I do what feels right and good at the time. That means that I procrastinate. That’s ok. I get everything done. The things that I can’t procrastinate on are relationships. They are high up on my priorities because they have to happen right now. They cannot be put off until tomorrow, or until I am less busy.

4. Choose the right people’s opinions to let matter to you. I think that we all do this. We allow the people who have the lowest opinion of us to hold the most weight in our opinions of ourselves. This is backwards. Find the people who you love, who you care about, and who you know would be there for you if you needed them. Find out what they think of you. Put stock in that. Don’t listen to the people who aren’t personally invested in the person you are becoming.

5. Let go.

Hopefully reading my list has helped you to look into your own wellness. Maybe you could make lists of your own. I know that I am going to work on listening to my own advice in the next few months and see what changes happen in my life because of it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

zombies and mixed media.

So, I realize that my last blog was a promise to blog more frequently and that it has not happened the way I said it would. I can only apologize for that, but I don't really know if I'm that sorry. So, I guess I'll just say

'I'll try harder'

and leave it at that.

I am learning to listen to myself more. I've started doing things just for myself, like making sure I have time for friends and family. I don't know if I've mentioned it on the blog before (probably not), but I started a scary movie night. Every Monday evening, usually after a long day of work clients and school clients, several of my friends gather together in my living room and we watch awesome horror movies until it's very late and we're all very tired. It is such a blast. Sometimes the movies are pretty cheesy, but there's not much more enjoyable than making fun of bad scary movies with a group of people who are super awesome cool. It's also been a really great way to meet new people, as the group is constantly in flux with all manner of friends of friends being invited. Plus, we go on field trips! Can't wait to see the new Carrie on Monday!

I also started a craft day, which is pretty much just with one of my friends from the cohort, but that is equally as enjoyable. It's just a time for us to focus on things we want to do rather than the things we have to do. That happens every other week. Currently I am working on a project to express something that I don't really have any other way of getting out of my system. It's been really cathartic for me.

I have to force myself to make these things happen. Sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I would rather not deal with the extra work of organizing food or cleaning the house for people to come over and not sit on piles of animal hair, but for my own personal wellness, I really need to have these events. I notice that when I am not taking care of myself, I am also not taking care of my relationships. The inverse is also true.

By tending to my relationships, I ensure that I am caring for myself in some ways. It is a way to jumpstart my own personal wellness. 

I am trying to redefine wellness for myself... breaking out of the conventional definitions of self-care. What does that even mean? Do you guys have some unique ways that you take care of yourselves? 

...and we're back.

Ok... I realize that it's been quite a while since I posted anything in this blog. I don't have a good excuse.

I could say things have been busy - they have.
I could say that I'd rather be using my free time in other ways - I would.

But, there's something really cool and interesting about keeping a blog. In these posts I can trick myself into thinking I'm just informing or enlightening the people around me. In reality, posting in this blog helps me to figure out how I'm feeling.

I read a thing about extroverts and introverts a while back. Until that point, I had assumed that an extrovert was someone who was loud and an introvert was quiet. I was totally off base. An introvert is someone who figures out what they think/feel/decide/whatever before they express whatever it is. An extrovert must express it before they can figure out what they think/feel/decide/whatever. So, my reaction to this blog is a pretty typical extrovert behavior.

I have been told I think about thinking too much. 

Anyway, I guess all of this is just to say that I plan on using this blog again. I have too much going on in my head to not utilize such a great resource for self-discovery.

Thanks for reading.

This is the most recent picture of me... taken on my birthday!

the success indicator

I do not usually post blogs about very important things. That may sound really self-deprecating, but I don't intend this blog to be my master's thesis on life problems. It's just my way of sharing my life with others in a very simple, straightforward way. This post will be different, however, as I have become upset by an image I found online that is making the rounds right now. At first glance, this image seems really accurate, motivating, and even inspiring. However, coming from my background and education, I see it as very harmful and isolating when read by people who have been lucky enough to be labeled on either side. Additionally, Mary Ellen happened to spell successful and unsuccessful wrong. I'm sure that's really embarrassing to her, now. Here is the image:

  

In the following paragraphs, I will attempt to address some of the most harmful or misleading statements on this chart. I will also address the parts of the graphic that I believe to be wholly accurate, although not attainable for many people in damaging or traumatic situations. I will not, however, go into why I think the words successful and unsuccessful are part of the root of the problem. That's just too much for most people to be forced to listen to, especially the people brave enough to read this entire post (I'm sure it will end up being a monster...sorry). I believe it exemplifies the problem of stigma associated with poverty, mental illness, sexism, size-ism, racism, and just a general misunderstanding of what it means to be in a disadvantaged group. It also shows a fundamental superiority complex that exudes elitism and exclusion. Ok, here we go.

What successful people (apparently) should do...

Forgive others.

There is not anything wrong with forgiving someone. But, the assumption that you must forgive to move on with your life, to be successful, is dangerous. There are some traumas that are unforgivable for the average person. However, your trauma does not define you and if you're able to forgive, that's fantastic. Do not hold a lack of forgiveness in front of someone who has been raped, beaten, had a child murdered, experienced a war crime, watched a bombing, experienced great loss, or is in a struggle with some kind of mental disorder as a gauge of their ability to succeed. Someone should not feel guilty if they are unable to forgive something that is unforgivable. That forces the person to feel like they must protect their offender, which is exactly the opposite of what should happen. We, the people who tell them to forgive, must protect them.

Read everyday.

Sounds silly that I'm arguing against this, right? I agree with it, on a basic level. If you're got the time and some books, you should crack one open and read from it. Maybe before bed or when you wake up. Whatever. The assumption hidden in this commandment is that you were fortunate enough to live in a household that had books. I'm not talking about kids in Africa who live in tribes. I am referring to America, the land of plenty and freedom. You, with your computer and the ability to read this post, may not have ever been exposed to this reality, but... not everyone has books in their house. Not everyone was raised knowing how to read. Not everyone's parents read to them. Not everyone learned how to read in school. Not everyone went to a school with a library. To assume that this was an option for people, that if they were just intelligent and had the desire to be successful, that they would manifest books in their life to grow their brains and opportunities, is arrogant and reeks of privilege. It is a gift to be literate. It is a privilege to have books. Think about that the next time you dust your bookshelves.

Talk about ideas.

As a student, I like this idea. But, there are many people I know that talk only about ideas. They talk about their political ideas, their religious ideas, their economic ideas, their ideas about gender roles and racism, their ideas about how the world could be better... and that talk quickly turns to arguing. It turns into family fueds, believeing themselves superior to those stupid republicans, democrats, atheists, brainwashed Christians, capitalists, socialists, men, women, bigots, activists, whoever. The second we stop believing in the people around us because of our ideas about things we are not capable of changing through believing them... we have missed the point. Ideas are fine, but they are not worth alienating our friends and family over. With ideas, someone is usually 'right' and someone is, therefore, 'wrong'. That is the heart of division.

Share information and data.

I'm not sure what this is specifically referring to, but I feel like it connects to the 'ideas' bit. Ever been at the Thanksgiving table with someone trying to share some information and data with you about their preferred political party? Does that make you want to develop a relationship with that person? No, it isolates them from you because their being an 'ideas' person, rather than understanding that the ideas are worthless without the people that benefit from them.

Exude joy.

Ok, so I'm all for having a positive attitude and letting people know that you are different based on how your attitude shows throughout your life. However, there are times not to be joyful. A lot of time people have to concentrate on being positive, which becomes a stress in and of itself.  It's like if we're not 'choosing to be positive' through all of our struggles, we're obviously not content and will not be successful. There are times when you might be sad. That's ok. There are times when exuding joy around others is inappropriate. That's ok. Let your emotions be accepted by you and then, more often than not, you will exude gratitude and contentment. Don't shun the other emotions as 'failing' emotions.

Accept responsibility for their failures.

Ok, I agree. But, where is the line between accepting responsibility for and internalizing a failure? I find myself accepting responsibility for my failiures, as well as others, and then feeling like a big mess of responsibility and failure. Really, I could just take credit for my part in each mistake, accept those mistakes as a part of myself, and then remedy or move on. 

Keep a journal.

What? Is this really a determining factor for success? I bet a blogger made that chart.

Continuously learn.

Yea, but also make sure you have time for yourself where you are able to do things because you like them. There are a few hobbies that I have for which I seek no critique. They are things I do for myself because I enjoy them. When I try to be 'better' at them, I let my competitive, perfectionist side suck the joy out of it.

Operate from a transformational perspective.

Ok, so those of you who couldn't decode what that WASP-speak meant, it means 'consider yourself always changing'. But, the author of this chart assumes you can figure that out. So, I guess the people who weren't privileged enough to go to college where they can learn to decipher academia's manual stimulation can wither and die in a mire of unsuccessfulness and failure.

What unsuccessful people (apparently) do...

(check out the emotionally loaded words used on this side of the chart... someone wrote this after an argument...)

Criticize.
In our personal lives, I believe we should uplift each other. However, this criteria would make almost every editor, professor, and boss an unsuccessful person. Being able to handle criticism is a really awesome trait. The author of this chart may feel that criticism dampens their spirit and positivity and, therefore, believes it is to be placed in the foil of their idea of the successful person. Not being able to take criticism and use it as one of the most valuable tools for self-improvement is a trait of a less-adapted human being.What about the quality of critical thinking? There are people that we should be critical of. Maybe not criticize them verbally, to their face, but to criticize their character in an effort to discern whether they should be a part of our lives or not. I believe criticism is a way of thought that helps us make decisions and set standards of what is acceptable or not. I criticize myself, or look with a critical eye at my own work, so that I can improve.

Have a sense of entitlement.
I won't lie to you. I feel entitled. No, it's true. I feel entitled to happiness. To a life partner that respects me. To have friends that show up when I need them. To believe what I want. To set my own goals. To have others respect and honor those goals. To be supported by my family. Yea, I feel entitled. I deserve those things, no matter what I do. Too many times, people forget what they deserve. To sacrifice any of those is to live a life that isn't optimal. I also feel entitled to bully my cats until they love me, but I feel that's infringing on their sense of entitlement. Too bad they can't verbalize their displeasure.

Take all the credit of their victories.
First of all, I feel like this sentence would be better written as 'take all the credit for their victories', but that is beside the point. If you have a victory, why wouldn't you take credit for it? I guess the key word here is 'all', but still... when I clean the house early in the day and am able to enjoy the rest of the day, I will call my husband and tell him about my 'victory'. It was my choice to get up early, my choice to clean rather than do something else, and my choice to manage my day in such a way that I got everything done earlier. All me. Not all accomplishments are achieved alone, but a lot of them are. There are people who have to fight their whole lives against poverty, violence, and unsupportive families to go to college. Once they get there, they could thank their parents for inspiring them to break away from the system that trapped the rest of them, or teaching them determination, or whatever, but what they're saying is 'In spite of you, I did this'. We are allowed to feel proud when we work hard. Taking credit is appropriate in a lot of situations. Not all, but a lot. Taking credit for something does not make you unsuccessful.

Watch TV everyday.
The author of this chart has a serious chip on their shoulder. Or they are so weak-minded that TV influences them in such a dramatic way that it rips success from their grasp if they indulge in its images for too long. Either way, I believe this stipulation is a product of our 'crunchy blogger' culture, our DIY, health nut, asshole internet. It's pinterest. There's nothing wrong with watching TV. There is something wrong with only watching TV, but that's not what this criteria implies. It implies that people who even own a TV aren't creative, capable of entertaining themselves, motivated, active, or engaged with others... aren't successful. Making someone feel guilty for such a non-issue is cruel.

Fear change.
Who doesn't fear change? Just because you fear it, doesn't mean you will not allow it to happen. Fear is just a feeling and feelings are not 'right' or 'wrong'. This is the author's own personal bias. Using the language they use on this side of the chart, it is clear they live with a lot of fear that manifests as righteous anger. It's very sad that they're letting their own personal demons terrorize others who seem weaker than them. 

Fly by the seat of their pants.
 I don't really understand why this is on this side of the list. Maybe they're referring to people who have no long-term plans. However, being adaptable and spontaneous creates so much joy and opportunity, I am having a hard time seeing it as negative.

Talk about people.
A little tip to make your life easier so you can skip all the bullshit that's forcefed since birth through the 'evil TV' and other media outlets. It's all about people. People, relationships, and life are all there is. The ideas are meaningless without the people. All else is distraction, designed to steer us into loneliness, isolation, and death.

Horde information and data.
What does this even mean? I'm envisioning a Gollum character here, sitting with a laptop and laughing maniacally.  

Exude anger.
Yea, but sometimes it's ok to be angry. In fact, anger is a rational response to injustice. So, don't make people feel guilty for being angry. Especially women. Anger is a tool.

Hold a grudge.
I agree with this one to a certain point. The danger here is blaming people for being cautious around people who have hurt them. There are people that I don't trust and it isn't because I'm 'not letting it go'. It's because that person betrayed my trust, lied, and manipulated me several times and now I don't want it to happen again. Do I have a grudge against them?

Blame others for their failures.
I think it's interesting that people are 'supposed' to share credit for success and take sole accountability for their failures.

Say they keep a journal but really don't.
This is missing a comma, but doesn't it sound like a child tattling? Who cares if someone journals or not? I feel like I'm witnessing a juvenile ranting counterargument validated by the exposure of the internet. This is just an opinion and a bitter one, at that. The person who wrote this list is angry at the 'unsuccessful person'. Who is this person? Couldn't they just address this in person rather than exposing people to this kind of subliminal hate and exclusion?

Think they know it all.
Says the person who has decided what it means to be successful.

Operate from a transactional perspective.
Again, this means 'tries to get something out of every interaction with others'. There are people in academia who would argue that our interactions are all transactional. I disagree, but if this is your perspective, there is nothing wrong with it. We put connotations behind words like 'manipulate' or 'transact' when they apply to our relationships with others. Really, I can manipulate my husband into feeling happy by doing nice things for him. I can go into a conversation with the motivation of gaining a stronger relationship with that person and I'm definitely operating from a transactional perspective. Either this person doesn't understand what that words means or has such a limited ability to define words beyond the connotations put on them that they assume transactional means exploitative.

Secretly hope others fail.
Yea, that is a jerk move. But, who hasn't done that? Ever watch Ridiculousness? I hope every single one of the people on those clips fails. I'm even worse than that. I hope they fail because it amuses me.

Don't know what they want to be.
Sometimes this means that people are too lethargic and stuck to contemplate the future. But, more often, it means that someone has so many goals and aspirations that it's tough to choose one. Their mind is in such a state of expansion that they will actually have to reign it in if they are to choose a path to proceed on. That's a great place to be with so many opportunities. Don't stay long, but there's nothing wrong with being there.

Never set goals.
This is the only one the author can wiggle out of because they used the word 'never'. Yea, don't be the kind of person who has never set a single goal, ever. But, who has never set a goal? My goal for today is to go grocery shopping and not spend too much money. Those are two goals. As a culture, we have taken the value out of small goals. We have defined goals as these lofty, idealistic themes to success. A goal is something you're working towards. They should be things you can achieve. I'm going to go shopping today, so I'll achieve at least one goal. I'm finishing this blog post (which I started several days ago). The word 'never' makes this criteria accurate, but I don't believe there is a person on the planet who has 'never' set and achieved a single goal.

-

It is a basic fallacy of logic to assume that because something has a source like 'the internet' and appears 'official' because it's done in an infographic format, that it is true. We make fun of this fallacy in Old Spice commercials with the line 'I sweat so much, I may as well be a sweat scientist. As a sweat scientist...'. It isn't a joke. We take the opinions of people in white lab coats as fact when they are paid actors. We take the word of professionals in one area as expert opinion in another. This is a fallacy. Mary Ellen is a successful woman, by monetary accounts. But, her expertise is clearly not in logic, psychology, counseling, social work, mental health, medicine, sociology, anthropology, or anything else that requires an understanding of people, motivation, mental health, or the soul. She does not mention holding any degrees anywhere near these fields, or any at all.

Please, don't take this chart seriously and don't let others around you judge themselves based on its vengeful, pouting language and arrogant ideas about success.