safe and alone.

Relationships are hard.

Romantic or otherwise, relationships can be some of the most magical, fulfilling, and interesting experiences we have in our lives and (sometimes simultaneously) can be devastatingly painful, disquieting, and disorienting. There are not many experiences which contain so much contrast. 

However, relationships are essential for our personal wellness. Loneliness may be a part of life, with everyone feeling alone at some points in time, but our minds, bodies, and souls respond to human connection. Whether you are the kind of person with a hundred good friends or one or two people who you trust with everything, relationships are part of your health and your happiness.

 In my personal life, I am not very good at relationships. A lot of that has to do with my mental disorder, but some of it is just part of how I developed as a person.

I am not trusting. I am impulsive. I overshare. I lie. I am a flake. I am selfish.

And I am scared.

I am scared of relationships. Both romantic and platonic relationships carry a lot of risk. Trust is a risky endeavor, and relationships are build on it. That risk often leads me to chicken out. I abandon friends. They do something to offend me and I use that opportunity to bail on the whole concept. Under the guise of having strong boundaries and standards, I have kept myself safe and alone.

Slowly, through the experience of my graduate program and my personal development, I am changing that. I am trying to be a better friend and to cultivate friendships that are supportive and fulfilling. I have met so many amazing people over the last year or so. I don't know how much I screw up as a friend, but becuase of my willingness to be honest and vulnerable, these people have stuck with me.

I am building relationships I never thought I would have.
And it is so great.

Here's to vulnerability.