the success indicator

I do not usually post blogs about very important things. That may sound really self-deprecating, but I don't intend this blog to be my master's thesis on life problems. It's just my way of sharing my life with others in a very simple, straightforward way. This post will be different, however, as I have become upset by an image I found online that is making the rounds right now. At first glance, this image seems really accurate, motivating, and even inspiring. However, coming from my background and education, I see it as very harmful and isolating when read by people who have been lucky enough to be labeled on either side. Additionally, Mary Ellen happened to spell successful and unsuccessful wrong. I'm sure that's really embarrassing to her, now. Here is the image:

  

In the following paragraphs, I will attempt to address some of the most harmful or misleading statements on this chart. I will also address the parts of the graphic that I believe to be wholly accurate, although not attainable for many people in damaging or traumatic situations. I will not, however, go into why I think the words successful and unsuccessful are part of the root of the problem. That's just too much for most people to be forced to listen to, especially the people brave enough to read this entire post (I'm sure it will end up being a monster...sorry). I believe it exemplifies the problem of stigma associated with poverty, mental illness, sexism, size-ism, racism, and just a general misunderstanding of what it means to be in a disadvantaged group. It also shows a fundamental superiority complex that exudes elitism and exclusion. Ok, here we go.

What successful people (apparently) should do...

Forgive others.

There is not anything wrong with forgiving someone. But, the assumption that you must forgive to move on with your life, to be successful, is dangerous. There are some traumas that are unforgivable for the average person. However, your trauma does not define you and if you're able to forgive, that's fantastic. Do not hold a lack of forgiveness in front of someone who has been raped, beaten, had a child murdered, experienced a war crime, watched a bombing, experienced great loss, or is in a struggle with some kind of mental disorder as a gauge of their ability to succeed. Someone should not feel guilty if they are unable to forgive something that is unforgivable. That forces the person to feel like they must protect their offender, which is exactly the opposite of what should happen. We, the people who tell them to forgive, must protect them.

Read everyday.

Sounds silly that I'm arguing against this, right? I agree with it, on a basic level. If you're got the time and some books, you should crack one open and read from it. Maybe before bed or when you wake up. Whatever. The assumption hidden in this commandment is that you were fortunate enough to live in a household that had books. I'm not talking about kids in Africa who live in tribes. I am referring to America, the land of plenty and freedom. You, with your computer and the ability to read this post, may not have ever been exposed to this reality, but... not everyone has books in their house. Not everyone was raised knowing how to read. Not everyone's parents read to them. Not everyone learned how to read in school. Not everyone went to a school with a library. To assume that this was an option for people, that if they were just intelligent and had the desire to be successful, that they would manifest books in their life to grow their brains and opportunities, is arrogant and reeks of privilege. It is a gift to be literate. It is a privilege to have books. Think about that the next time you dust your bookshelves.

Talk about ideas.

As a student, I like this idea. But, there are many people I know that talk only about ideas. They talk about their political ideas, their religious ideas, their economic ideas, their ideas about gender roles and racism, their ideas about how the world could be better... and that talk quickly turns to arguing. It turns into family fueds, believeing themselves superior to those stupid republicans, democrats, atheists, brainwashed Christians, capitalists, socialists, men, women, bigots, activists, whoever. The second we stop believing in the people around us because of our ideas about things we are not capable of changing through believing them... we have missed the point. Ideas are fine, but they are not worth alienating our friends and family over. With ideas, someone is usually 'right' and someone is, therefore, 'wrong'. That is the heart of division.

Share information and data.

I'm not sure what this is specifically referring to, but I feel like it connects to the 'ideas' bit. Ever been at the Thanksgiving table with someone trying to share some information and data with you about their preferred political party? Does that make you want to develop a relationship with that person? No, it isolates them from you because their being an 'ideas' person, rather than understanding that the ideas are worthless without the people that benefit from them.

Exude joy.

Ok, so I'm all for having a positive attitude and letting people know that you are different based on how your attitude shows throughout your life. However, there are times not to be joyful. A lot of time people have to concentrate on being positive, which becomes a stress in and of itself.  It's like if we're not 'choosing to be positive' through all of our struggles, we're obviously not content and will not be successful. There are times when you might be sad. That's ok. There are times when exuding joy around others is inappropriate. That's ok. Let your emotions be accepted by you and then, more often than not, you will exude gratitude and contentment. Don't shun the other emotions as 'failing' emotions.

Accept responsibility for their failures.

Ok, I agree. But, where is the line between accepting responsibility for and internalizing a failure? I find myself accepting responsibility for my failiures, as well as others, and then feeling like a big mess of responsibility and failure. Really, I could just take credit for my part in each mistake, accept those mistakes as a part of myself, and then remedy or move on. 

Keep a journal.

What? Is this really a determining factor for success? I bet a blogger made that chart.

Continuously learn.

Yea, but also make sure you have time for yourself where you are able to do things because you like them. There are a few hobbies that I have for which I seek no critique. They are things I do for myself because I enjoy them. When I try to be 'better' at them, I let my competitive, perfectionist side suck the joy out of it.

Operate from a transformational perspective.

Ok, so those of you who couldn't decode what that WASP-speak meant, it means 'consider yourself always changing'. But, the author of this chart assumes you can figure that out. So, I guess the people who weren't privileged enough to go to college where they can learn to decipher academia's manual stimulation can wither and die in a mire of unsuccessfulness and failure.

What unsuccessful people (apparently) do...

(check out the emotionally loaded words used on this side of the chart... someone wrote this after an argument...)

Criticize.
In our personal lives, I believe we should uplift each other. However, this criteria would make almost every editor, professor, and boss an unsuccessful person. Being able to handle criticism is a really awesome trait. The author of this chart may feel that criticism dampens their spirit and positivity and, therefore, believes it is to be placed in the foil of their idea of the successful person. Not being able to take criticism and use it as one of the most valuable tools for self-improvement is a trait of a less-adapted human being.What about the quality of critical thinking? There are people that we should be critical of. Maybe not criticize them verbally, to their face, but to criticize their character in an effort to discern whether they should be a part of our lives or not. I believe criticism is a way of thought that helps us make decisions and set standards of what is acceptable or not. I criticize myself, or look with a critical eye at my own work, so that I can improve.

Have a sense of entitlement.
I won't lie to you. I feel entitled. No, it's true. I feel entitled to happiness. To a life partner that respects me. To have friends that show up when I need them. To believe what I want. To set my own goals. To have others respect and honor those goals. To be supported by my family. Yea, I feel entitled. I deserve those things, no matter what I do. Too many times, people forget what they deserve. To sacrifice any of those is to live a life that isn't optimal. I also feel entitled to bully my cats until they love me, but I feel that's infringing on their sense of entitlement. Too bad they can't verbalize their displeasure.

Take all the credit of their victories.
First of all, I feel like this sentence would be better written as 'take all the credit for their victories', but that is beside the point. If you have a victory, why wouldn't you take credit for it? I guess the key word here is 'all', but still... when I clean the house early in the day and am able to enjoy the rest of the day, I will call my husband and tell him about my 'victory'. It was my choice to get up early, my choice to clean rather than do something else, and my choice to manage my day in such a way that I got everything done earlier. All me. Not all accomplishments are achieved alone, but a lot of them are. There are people who have to fight their whole lives against poverty, violence, and unsupportive families to go to college. Once they get there, they could thank their parents for inspiring them to break away from the system that trapped the rest of them, or teaching them determination, or whatever, but what they're saying is 'In spite of you, I did this'. We are allowed to feel proud when we work hard. Taking credit is appropriate in a lot of situations. Not all, but a lot. Taking credit for something does not make you unsuccessful.

Watch TV everyday.
The author of this chart has a serious chip on their shoulder. Or they are so weak-minded that TV influences them in such a dramatic way that it rips success from their grasp if they indulge in its images for too long. Either way, I believe this stipulation is a product of our 'crunchy blogger' culture, our DIY, health nut, asshole internet. It's pinterest. There's nothing wrong with watching TV. There is something wrong with only watching TV, but that's not what this criteria implies. It implies that people who even own a TV aren't creative, capable of entertaining themselves, motivated, active, or engaged with others... aren't successful. Making someone feel guilty for such a non-issue is cruel.

Fear change.
Who doesn't fear change? Just because you fear it, doesn't mean you will not allow it to happen. Fear is just a feeling and feelings are not 'right' or 'wrong'. This is the author's own personal bias. Using the language they use on this side of the chart, it is clear they live with a lot of fear that manifests as righteous anger. It's very sad that they're letting their own personal demons terrorize others who seem weaker than them. 

Fly by the seat of their pants.
 I don't really understand why this is on this side of the list. Maybe they're referring to people who have no long-term plans. However, being adaptable and spontaneous creates so much joy and opportunity, I am having a hard time seeing it as negative.

Talk about people.
A little tip to make your life easier so you can skip all the bullshit that's forcefed since birth through the 'evil TV' and other media outlets. It's all about people. People, relationships, and life are all there is. The ideas are meaningless without the people. All else is distraction, designed to steer us into loneliness, isolation, and death.

Horde information and data.
What does this even mean? I'm envisioning a Gollum character here, sitting with a laptop and laughing maniacally.  

Exude anger.
Yea, but sometimes it's ok to be angry. In fact, anger is a rational response to injustice. So, don't make people feel guilty for being angry. Especially women. Anger is a tool.

Hold a grudge.
I agree with this one to a certain point. The danger here is blaming people for being cautious around people who have hurt them. There are people that I don't trust and it isn't because I'm 'not letting it go'. It's because that person betrayed my trust, lied, and manipulated me several times and now I don't want it to happen again. Do I have a grudge against them?

Blame others for their failures.
I think it's interesting that people are 'supposed' to share credit for success and take sole accountability for their failures.

Say they keep a journal but really don't.
This is missing a comma, but doesn't it sound like a child tattling? Who cares if someone journals or not? I feel like I'm witnessing a juvenile ranting counterargument validated by the exposure of the internet. This is just an opinion and a bitter one, at that. The person who wrote this list is angry at the 'unsuccessful person'. Who is this person? Couldn't they just address this in person rather than exposing people to this kind of subliminal hate and exclusion?

Think they know it all.
Says the person who has decided what it means to be successful.

Operate from a transactional perspective.
Again, this means 'tries to get something out of every interaction with others'. There are people in academia who would argue that our interactions are all transactional. I disagree, but if this is your perspective, there is nothing wrong with it. We put connotations behind words like 'manipulate' or 'transact' when they apply to our relationships with others. Really, I can manipulate my husband into feeling happy by doing nice things for him. I can go into a conversation with the motivation of gaining a stronger relationship with that person and I'm definitely operating from a transactional perspective. Either this person doesn't understand what that words means or has such a limited ability to define words beyond the connotations put on them that they assume transactional means exploitative.

Secretly hope others fail.
Yea, that is a jerk move. But, who hasn't done that? Ever watch Ridiculousness? I hope every single one of the people on those clips fails. I'm even worse than that. I hope they fail because it amuses me.

Don't know what they want to be.
Sometimes this means that people are too lethargic and stuck to contemplate the future. But, more often, it means that someone has so many goals and aspirations that it's tough to choose one. Their mind is in such a state of expansion that they will actually have to reign it in if they are to choose a path to proceed on. That's a great place to be with so many opportunities. Don't stay long, but there's nothing wrong with being there.

Never set goals.
This is the only one the author can wiggle out of because they used the word 'never'. Yea, don't be the kind of person who has never set a single goal, ever. But, who has never set a goal? My goal for today is to go grocery shopping and not spend too much money. Those are two goals. As a culture, we have taken the value out of small goals. We have defined goals as these lofty, idealistic themes to success. A goal is something you're working towards. They should be things you can achieve. I'm going to go shopping today, so I'll achieve at least one goal. I'm finishing this blog post (which I started several days ago). The word 'never' makes this criteria accurate, but I don't believe there is a person on the planet who has 'never' set and achieved a single goal.

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It is a basic fallacy of logic to assume that because something has a source like 'the internet' and appears 'official' because it's done in an infographic format, that it is true. We make fun of this fallacy in Old Spice commercials with the line 'I sweat so much, I may as well be a sweat scientist. As a sweat scientist...'. It isn't a joke. We take the opinions of people in white lab coats as fact when they are paid actors. We take the word of professionals in one area as expert opinion in another. This is a fallacy. Mary Ellen is a successful woman, by monetary accounts. But, her expertise is clearly not in logic, psychology, counseling, social work, mental health, medicine, sociology, anthropology, or anything else that requires an understanding of people, motivation, mental health, or the soul. She does not mention holding any degrees anywhere near these fields, or any at all.

Please, don't take this chart seriously and don't let others around you judge themselves based on its vengeful, pouting language and arrogant ideas about success.