overwhelming gratitude

In one of my undergraduate classes, someone read a quote/poem to the class about what it meant to be happy. There were obvious things on the list of things that show that you're happy like putting your family first, not letting little things stress you out, etc. But, one item on the list really made me stop and think.

It basically stated that you know you're happy, the inner kind, the wonderful kind of happy that lets you survive almost any catastrophe of daily life, when you are frequently overwhelmed with gratitude, to the point of tears even.

For the last four years, I have found myself overwhelmingly grateful. A song comes on the radio, I tear up because I am so happy to be in the place I am. I watch a movie with a happy ending, I am reminded of everything I have. Someone tells a love story, I immediately thank God for Michael. It is rare that I ever lose sight of this feeling. I experience it almost daily.

So, since November is a time of publicly proclaiming your gratitude, this post will be a list of things I'm grateful for. 

1. Fall weather. After melting into the front seat of my car all summer, driving 200+ miles a week for work, I am very grateful to not be in 108 degree weather anymore.

2. Doing homework at the kitchen table with the blinds open, letting natural light and theoretical foundations of counseling soak in.

3. Out-of-town relatives being in-town relatives for the holidays.

4. Breaks from school... just to catch up on my sanity.

5. Ridiculously good food. From everywhere. All the time.

6. Driving on rainy nights (or, you know, 5:00 pm when it gets dark) near major shopping centers when the car brake lights seem more like Christmas lights.

7. Having someone to come home to.

8. My still-feels-new-to-me car. I still love it as much as I did. I get excited to find it in parking lots. It's pretty silly.

9. A good video game. Like, Skyrim or Fable II or Little Big Planet (the first one). Games that suck you into their awesomeness.

10. When you come across some really good writing, be it prose or poetry, in an unexpected place (like a Facebook status or a StumbleUpon click).

11. Curling up on the couch with my husband and watching a really stupid scary movie.

12. Growing out of my fear of the dark. Slowly. But, it's happening.

13. Being brave enough to start singing in the shower, again.

14. Financial security. I cannot emphasize how grateful I am that Michael and I are both employed for good companies that value us.

15. When the clouds part for that twenty-minute window of sunshine that I need right in the middle of a completely overcast day.

16. Playing fetch with my dog. I try to do ten minutes a day, but it's usually just four or five days a week. It's more than I was doing and it feels good to be outside for at least that long.

17. My animals, in general. I absolutely adore each one of my pets. Cheeto is and always will be my favorite, no matter how weird he is. CC is beautiful and strange, so she fits right in. Sandy is the sweetest heart ever. She is fundamentally good.

18. The days when you forget that life has not always been this good.

19. The day when you remember.

20. Peppermint Bark.

21. Getting into the graduate program.

22. Not getting the promotion at the job I grew to absolutely dread.

23. Soft blankets. I call them 'softs'.

24. My closest friends, especially my best friend. It can be really hard for me to form lasting connections with people. My best friend has known me for more than five years, now, and she can still stand me. She's pretty cool.

25. Grace.

26. Having a bedroom window. The fact that it looks out on my rather sizable yard doesn't hurt, either.

27. Finding time to journal.

28. Having the right kind of drink, right when you need it. A really fizzy, super cold root beer with pizza. Iced tea sitting on a porch in the summer. Not to stickysweet hot chocolate while you're reading a book in a big chair. 

29. Finally having someone who can accept all the parts of me, including the ones that I have not accepted yet.

30. That I am learning to accept those parts, too.

Alright, HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone. I hope you can find yourself as grateful as I am.

5 things I would say to myself.

With everyone making lists on their blogs lately, I've decided to make one. I've had kind of a stressful week and a lot of my insecurities came bobbing to the surface. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who I can bounce things off of and he gave me a lot of great encouragement and support. I'm not on the other side of these feelings, completely, but I've definitely got a handle on them. So, I'm making a list of things that I would have said to myself at earlier points in my life, before situations like this crept in and ruined my day, week, month, year, years, whatever. Because, they can. They can creep in on you and ruin years of your life if you don't have the right support. Many of these will probably be vague, as I'm not really into baring my soul on a public stage, but I'm hoping the advice and encouragement can translate into whatever you might be needing them to.

1. Things may seem completely out of control right now, but you are in more control than you know. 

Sometimes it's easy to forget that the places you find yourself required a mode of transport to get there. They seem to come from out of nowhere and surround you. But, that's not how places work. Think about it this way: To get somewhere, you have to travel there. So, how did you travel to this place? Was it through poor relationship choices? Was it through poor career decisions? Did you stretch yourself too thin for too long? Have you forgotten to take care of yourself? Your relationships? Those are your vehicles. So, if you find yourself somewhere, it may feel totally overwhelming and abstract. It isn't. You got yourself there (I'm definitely not saying that it's your fault. I am just saying that you had a hand in your location.) and you are capable of getting yourself somewhere else. It might not be easy. In fact, it might be really f-ing hard. But, you are in control of your movement. So, move.

2. Someone who is not willing to publicly proclaim their commitment to you, isn't committed to you.

If it isn't happening with them, let it not happen. No amount of manipulation, twisting of yourself to fit whatever you think they want, self-torture, and flat out desperation is going to change the situation. What's worse than that is the only person being impacted by all of your machinations is yourself. You're totally trashing yourself to try and live up to someone else's standard. Guess what? You can't. Also, it's not even their bad for not wanting you. Everyone has a right to not want to be with someone. It is their bad for taking advantage of your desperate longing for them, but even that is kind of understandable. I mean, that kind of person is obviously morally inept. So, if you're willing to compromise parts of yourself in order to hopefullyonedaymaybe get some kind of commitment from them, can you really blame them for taking advantage? I mean, really? ... really?

3. Most of the time, it is better to NOT share that thing you think everyone should hear/know/understand/etc.

Sometimes, your input is not really important. That's not to say that your opinion doesn't count, that your experiences are not unique and valuable, or that you don't have anything worthwhile to say. It's just the INPUT of that whatever you want to share is not that important. In fact, if you're the person constantly supplying the answer or opinion or insight or marvelous revelation that will enlighten all who partake in the goodness of it, you're denying others the opportunity to reveal their own epiphanies and experiences. Your sharing, however right or valuable it might be, is shutting others' mouths. What right do you have to do that? Besides, if you shut your mouth for just a second, you are forced to use your ears and you might learn something. Something really incredible. Additionally, no one likes that person. You know them. The one that is always raising their hand and the professor purposefully tries to avoid looking at so that they can continue the PowerPoint presentation and end class on time. Don't be that person.

4. Don't give up on the crazy dreams you have that you think aren't possible.

They are. You didn't think you'd end up with a ridiculously hot musician who's in a band and looks like he was cut out of a poster of the 90's? You did. You thought you'd never move out of your parent's basement or have your own place that makes you feel calm instead of stressed when you walk in the door? You did. You thought you'd never get to have a job that you care about that makes enough money to support you? You did. You didn't believe that you'd ever stop thinking 'what if' when you saw someone else's opportunities/experiences/life/things/significant other? You did. Don't settle. Keep working at it. Wait patiently. Don't rush it. Don't look past the 'now' because it seems too boring, dark, or insecure. Find the meaning in it. Be grateful. Just let your life be as overwhelmingly awesome as it is. It will unfold. You will be amazed.

5. Choose to connect.

So, it seems really bad right now. I know. Really bad. It's not at all what you expected. It's out of control. It feels impossible. Then, there's an opportunity to connect with something or someone else, to share all of that out of control-ness. Suddenly, it feels more in control, more manageable, and you've got some support or at least something to distract you from how bad it feels. You're not so worried about it anymore. You pay less attention to it. In fact, you might completely blow it off and ignore it. Don't. When it seems really bad, lean into it. Turn inward. Choose to connect. When you feel like reaching out to find comfort somewhere or in someone else, stop. Choose to connect. Choose to reach in, whether that's into yourself or into a relationship or into whatever you're moments away from giving up on. Bring your concerns to the surface rather than pawning them off on developing a connection somewhere else. See if it's still what you want. If it is, make the conscious choice to stick with it. And yea, it's really tough. So are you.

Hopefully this spoke to maybe some of what you're feeling this week, or  this year, or this decade. Whatever it is, I know that these things would have helped me at various points in my life. Also, maybe this is long enough to make up for the several months it's been since my last post. And now, enjoy the picture of my crazysexy husband doing his hot musician thing.