Laughing nervously.

 

The last week has been challenging for me. I can attribute the ups and downs to chemical issues, but it's exhausting me. I feel like I've been driving with someone who is constantly pressing the gas until they get up to the speed limit, letting off, then pressing it again as the car starts to slow a little. I'm nauseous almost all the time and have very little appetite. On a positive note, my clothes look awesome on me.

Within the next week I will be interviewing for a promotion at work. I have a pretty good chance of getting it, but I'm still really nervous about the interview. Even now, after years of therapy and self-discovery, I still can't shake the feeling that people secretly dislike me. I think I will always feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't know an inside joke, laughing nervously. Logically, I can tell myself that people like me and enjoy working with me. It doesn't help my insecurity, though.

The best I can do is keep on keeping on. I've really been enjoying my job the last couple months. I've been running groups for the girls. Yesterday a girl told me that my groups helped calm her down and were her favorite. That made me feel great. Sometimes it feels like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. The previous director told me that we can't expect to see the skills they learn here manifest themselves until they're in their early to mid twenties. We're just planting seeds and helping them take root. It's still nice to get some present tense evidence, though.

Michael has been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even when I'm totally shut down. He's always willing to listen and try to help me figure out what I want to do next. He's better than most guys about not trying to immediately fix the situation. He's also very gentle with me. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to work, but we're going to celebrate together on Monday. In the meantime, I got him a case of Ramon noodles and a package of full size Three Musketeers bars. He was pretty happy with me.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work. If you're so inclined, send a prayer up for me. I really really want this promotion and I feel like it's supposed to happen, but you never know. Extra support is always appreciated.

Grab some popcorn, kids. And tissue.

I am feeling essentially unmotivated. This semester of school has not been good for my procrastination problem because I have a class once a week, then I have a weekend class once a month. I leave everything to the very last minute, which causes stress and even more essential unmotivation. I am not even motivated to write this blog, but I feel like it has been enough time since my last that I should. I don't even like the word 'should'. It indicates that I am judging myself.

Anyway, I thought that it would be easier for me to write about things than concepts, so I'm going to list and explain some of my favorite movies. 

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)

This movie is absolutely stunning. It is my favorite for so many reasons (some of which I can only talk about in poetry and paint). The use of color is breathtaking and the subtle Alice in Wonderland references are clever and well-placed. The message is one that everyone needs to hear. Be yourself. Live exactly how you want to. Be as vivid as you are capable of being. Explore yourself. Open your mind. Above all, love. Diane Arbus is a real person, a famous photographer, and although this film can only guess at what caused her to take flight, it is a beautiful guess.Fun fact: Mr. Arbus went on to be on the television show MASH.

The Painted Veil (2006)

Set in the middle of a crisis, this film is a beautiful, poignant portrait of a woman who loses, finds, and transforms herself. Unfortunately, this is one of the few examples of a film that is leaps and bounds better than the book. I picked up The Painted Veil expecting the same kind of transforming power and was let down. However, if you steer clear of the book, you can stumble onto a rich, historical, and very human account of a marriage bridging two worlds. The music in this film is an experience in and of itself. Especially one particular song.

Dan in Real Life (2007)

Aside from the obvious awesomeness of the soundtrack and cast, this movie is a surprisingly realistic depiction of what family is. As a concept. It is an organic interaction between people, not people acting out a script on a set. At least, that's how it feels. Because, of course it is a cast of actors being paid to play house. But, the magic of this film is that you can feel what is transpiring. You can remember times when someone in your family has said or done exactly what you're watching. The sweet misery of family and grief and love are explored in simple (yet, profound) terms. A "feel good" movie, for sure. But, it feels a lot more than good.

The Holiday (2006)

Ok, first, can you believe that fort!? It's amazing. Also, this movie is amazing. It is meaningful, but still hilarious and light. It speaks to everyone's desire to love and be passionately loved in return. It has wonderful actors in it. It's a chick flick that I actually like. So, all in all... this is a great film. It's too bad that the copy I have of it was used and skips right when it's starting to get good.


Honorable Mention:

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)

Michael introduced me to this movie and it is unbelievably vivid. The protagonist (or antagonist) experiences the world through scent. Since we cannot experience scent from the screen (yet, at least), the film is given to us overloaded with visuals (our main connection to the world). Color, texture, grit, skin, all of it. By the end of the film, you are left shocked by the richness of it all. I can't give it away, but it gets pretty crazy. I'd be willing to bet money that you won't guess how it ends.

Little Children (2006)

The multiple stories happening in this movie are very interesting and uncomfortable. The acting is believably, weird, and ultimately, the film ends where it began. Just, different. This film is definitely understated.

Black Swan (2010)

Nothing really needs to be said. This film is mesmerizing and terrifying.

The Wrestler (2008)

So much loss and so much sadness. It's palpable. This is a story I had, honestly, never considered before. It really humanized these hulking giants who are otherwise meaningless. Such a sad story.

Ok, I don't have any more time for this. I've been keeping up with my resolutions so far, but it's definitely difficult when I am so busy. I hope that you guys rush out and rent all of these movies and stay up all night watching them, back to back. Ok, so that'd probably overwhelm your emotions and you'd go into a coma, but still... watch them. See if they mean as much to you as they do to me.

P.S. It's pretty clear that I have some favorite actors and directors, as Black Swan and The Wrestler are from the same director. Also, Dan in Real Life replaced my old favorite Piece of April, which is the same director. Kate Winslet is my all time favorite actor, followed closely by Edward Norton, who is also represented on this list. There are SO SO SO many more movies that I absolutely adore. But, this is all I had the energy to itemize today.