Laughing nervously.

 

The last week has been challenging for me. I can attribute the ups and downs to chemical issues, but it's exhausting me. I feel like I've been driving with someone who is constantly pressing the gas until they get up to the speed limit, letting off, then pressing it again as the car starts to slow a little. I'm nauseous almost all the time and have very little appetite. On a positive note, my clothes look awesome on me.

Within the next week I will be interviewing for a promotion at work. I have a pretty good chance of getting it, but I'm still really nervous about the interview. Even now, after years of therapy and self-discovery, I still can't shake the feeling that people secretly dislike me. I think I will always feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't know an inside joke, laughing nervously. Logically, I can tell myself that people like me and enjoy working with me. It doesn't help my insecurity, though.

The best I can do is keep on keeping on. I've really been enjoying my job the last couple months. I've been running groups for the girls. Yesterday a girl told me that my groups helped calm her down and were her favorite. That made me feel great. Sometimes it feels like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. The previous director told me that we can't expect to see the skills they learn here manifest themselves until they're in their early to mid twenties. We're just planting seeds and helping them take root. It's still nice to get some present tense evidence, though.

Michael has been incredibly understanding and patient with me, even when I'm totally shut down. He's always willing to listen and try to help me figure out what I want to do next. He's better than most guys about not trying to immediately fix the situation. He's also very gentle with me. It was his birthday yesterday. I had to work, but we're going to celebrate together on Monday. In the meantime, I got him a case of Ramon noodles and a package of full size Three Musketeers bars. He was pretty happy with me.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work. If you're so inclined, send a prayer up for me. I really really want this promotion and I feel like it's supposed to happen, but you never know. Extra support is always appreciated.