Some nostalgia disguised as advice.

I think it's important to reflect on how experiences change you. As the wedding gets closer (on the cusp of 12 days away), I am reminded of all the things that I have learned from previous relationships and previous lives. So, I'm going share some of the many life lessons I have learned, in no particular order and with no names attached. I suppose this is similar to my Dear Anonymous post, but it will probably have a more uplifting lilt.

1. Fight Fair
Don't use generalities. Don't attack the person, although you can dismantle the idea. Do not disrespect someone's heritage. Do not belittle your partner. Use sound logic. Avoid fallacies in logic. Start your sentences with 'I feel' instead of 'You are'. Whatever you do, avoid the words 'never', 'always', 'nothing', and 'everything'. Absolutes only require one contradiction to be completely false and they are one of the quickest ways to raise the defenses of another person. Although this may sound like common sense, it is increasingly difficult to do the more you know someone. When you learn someone's weaknesses and buttons, it can be tempting to push them. However, you will not get what you want from an angry partner and they will see a very unpleasant facet of your personality. An unfair fight leaves both parties wounded and resentful, which can lead to outright contempt. Contempt is a deal breaker. There is no turning back from that precipice. This leads me to...

2. Stay in the Present (A.K.A. Burn the Filing Cabinet)
I really hate when the dishes are left in the sink to "soak". Even more than that, I hate when the sponge is left in a "soaking" dish. If those two things happen, I am unlikely to get to the dishes for days at a time. Since I hate when this happens, I know that I'm not the one who continues to do it. I know that some other inhabitant of my apartment is "helping" by "soaking" the dishes and accidentally leaving the sponge in the sink. However, when I find the sponge in the sink, it is my choice on how to proceed. I could recall every time a sponge has been left in a sink I have been in proximity to (which stretches back to my first marriage) and then scream at Michael for being so inconsiderate as to forget that I hate the dishes being in the sink and the sponge being in the dishes. I could also approach the situation as if it is the first time I have ever encountered a sponge in the sink. Because the issue is minuscule, there is no reason for me to become irate in response to it. There's no reason for me to keep a tally of how many times I find the sponge in the sink. I don't need to keep track of how many times I've had to extract the sponge using thumb and index finger, arm stretched as far away from my face as is humanly possible. I can simply approach the situation I am presently in. I can be as upset as I would be if it had happened once. Just in case you didn't catch it, the sponge is a metaphor.

3. Don't Assume Anything
So many people miss out on wonderful things because they assume that was has happened before will happen again. It may not. Don't cheat yourself by responding as if it will. Maybe this time, they will pick up the check. Maybe this time, they will hear your point. Maybe this time, she'll commit. Maybe this time, it'll be different. Something wonderful could happen. If you act as though the past dictates the future, it will. Don't let it.

Well, it's getting fairly late so I'm going to have to throw in the towel. I hope everyone is having a great week. I'm cruising through mine in a new car, so I can't complain.

New Car

This weekend ended up being very eventful. I did end up buying a car on my birthday, but it couldn't be purchased in my name because I don't have enough credit. The credit I have is fine, just insignificant. So, my parents are carrying the loan until I do have enough credit. Then, I will refinance the car under my name and start getting the... uh... credit for it. In this picture, it looks darker than it really is. It's a Pepsi blue, which happens to be my favorite car color. It's a 2009 or 2010, I can't remember, Hyundai Accent. We got a really fair deal on the car and the payment are within my budget. Especially once I am married and I can use Mike's income.

Best part about having a new car: 40 mpg.

I also ordered my favorite computer game and it arrived on my birthday. Along with a bathing suit I ordered a while ago from Victoria's Secret. It looks awesome on me and I'm wearing it to float the river, today.

Mike's wedding band came in. The wedding is so close that I can't even figure out what isn't done. Hopefully, everything will fall into place. After all the craziness subsides, I will probably be able to post more often and more meaningfully. As for now, I'm gonna go float the river.

Centering

So, I made the attempt to get the marriage license today. However, couldn't track down Mike's birth certificate. So, that will have to be put on hold until the requested copy arrives in the mail (longest 5-7 business days ever). My parents are offering a significant amount of financial assistance which has already lifted about 7.3 tons of metaphorical weight off of my shoulders. Having a little more money to work with definitely eases some of the pressure.

You see, I'm not just getting married. I'm having a wedding, going on a 2000+ mile honeymoon road trip, and thus, buying myself a newer car. Currently, I'm driving a '91 Isuzu Trooper II. It gets about 15 mpg. That's my trip TO work. One gallon. One way. So, if I'm driving to work six days a week, that's 12 gallons of gas. In fact, I didn't go to work yesterday when I was scheduled because (I called my boss and explained this to her) I would have lost money on the gas to get there. If I am at work for an hour, I break even. One hour of my day is spent on the gasoline just to get there. That's assuming I don't go anywhere else during the week (which I do). I fill up my 20 gallon tank every six days. That's $75 every six days. That's a car payment. Easily.

Also, several times now, my car has completely broken down. This usually happens on rural, back roads. Right when the sun is going down. The issues have been relatively minor (for car problems) so far, but I feel like it won't be too far down the road before major overhaul is required. Additionally, I've been putting off getting a new set of tires. That's another expense to factor in if I keep this vehicle.

So, I'm looking for something that gets close to 30 mpg and is reliable. If it is from the year 2000 or newer, that would be great, but not required. Right now, I'm in the middle of trying to get approved for a loan. If that doesn't go through, then I'll just go through the dealer. I will probably purchase a car, regardless of where the financing comes from, on Saturday (my birthday!).

Stress is abundant, right now. What I feel like I need to work on is centering myself and focusing on what matters. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Michael and it starts on August 9th. That's it. No car, wedding, job stress, family whatever, friend drama, dirty apartment, expenses, whatever. Just him.

Also, I had a few lines for a poem come to me while I was driving this morning, so maybe I'll write something. Who knows?

(P.S. Mike finally called me back and he knows where his birth certificate is. Crisis averted.)

If you love something, let it go...

What is the difference between something you've lost and something you've given away? Well, one seems much more involuntary than the other. But, I suppose in more serious matters, the difference is slight and often bittersweet. I've been thinking a lot about my last wedding with this one looming so close. This wedding is much more exciting than I remember the first one being, but it has also been four years. It's possible (likely) that my memory isn't crystal clear.

What's so interesting to me is that there are a lot of people in my life that are uncomfortable talking about my first husband, my first wedding, my first marriage. They will dismiss it saying that it wasn't a marriage under God or some variation on that theme. I usually smile and nod, but inside I want to correct them.

It was the real thing.
I believed I was going to be with him forever.
I meant everything I said at that alter.
My vows are the biggest promise I have ever broken.

For a while, the idea that a promise that big could be broken (by myself as well as another person) made me not want to have another wedding. I was semi-comfortable with another marriage because it makes people more comfortable when you are married to the person you are living with, but a public ceremony where I make another promise in front of a crowd of people who have heard me say the words before? Yuck.

A little known fact: The only reason I agreed to have a wedding (although I am very excited about it and glad I agreed) was so that Mike could experience that event with his family. It was important to him so I obliged.

Now that the wedding is almost here and all the work I've been doing has come together, I am way excited and so happy that I get to share this event with my family and friends. I'm happy about having a wedding and I'm really happy to start a life with Michael.

It will be the real thing.
I believe I'm going to be with him forever.
I will mean everything I say at the alter.
My vows will be the biggest promise I ever make.

A part of me wonders where my ex is and how he is doing. My mom has bumped into him, but they did not speak. I saw his mom at the grocery store about a year ago and avoided her. I never spoke to any member of his family after he moved out, never said goodbye. I think he got married and had a baby, but I don't know if they kept it. I only creep his Facebook page about once a year (honestly). I can only assume he is doing well.

I know I am. I have never been happier. I am seriously stressed with wedding details, work issues, and all the things life throws at me, but I am very happy. Mike is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he happens to me every day. I've had a lot of people tell me that they have never seen two people so right for each other. Trust me, people, I know.

I really know.

Dear Anonymous

I'd like to say a lot of things to a lot of people. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have the self-control to refrain from saying all of the things that pass through my head. It is nice, though, to occasionally express some of the things that pass through more frequently. So, without naming names or indicating anything specific, I am going to say a few things to a few people.

~

I am very disappointed by how weak you turned out to be. When I met you and started spending time with you, you struck me as very strong. It seemed like you had a lot of integrity and common sense. Now, I can see that you are desperately lonely and blind. I feel sorry for you, but mostly I feel hurt and annoyed by your cowardice and immaturity. You will have to act quickly to salvage any of my good will, if you even have the intention of doing so.

Although it is ridiculous for me to feel this way, I am threatened by your overt sexuality and comfort with your body. I know that others would say the same about me, but I don't appreciate that kind of behavior around my fiance (even though I know it's completely innocent).

I'm frustrated that you haven't told her and I am confused as to why you told everyone else. I would hate for her to find out through some other means. I can't imagine that.

I definitely do not feel like a priority in your life. I feel that I deserve to be, at least right now.

You and I have had a ridiculously toxic relationship that has spanned many years. You've treated me like your salvation and your curse. I am resentful of everything you expected of me. By the end of our relationship, talking to you was emotionally and mentally draining on every level. You are a waste of my time and energy. However, the fact that you are the one who finally severed contact with me makes me angry. How dare you walk away from me? Look at what you did to me. I should be the one walking away. But, thank you. I don't know if I would have.

You are more of a decoration than a functional part of my life. Which sucks, because you're supposed to help me.

I would honestly like to talk to you. Not to be weird. I just want to tell you how happy I am for you. I want to let you know what's been going on in my life. I would like you to be happy for me. Maybe you are.

I never called to "catch up" with you because I was afraid you would judge me. I was too busy to spend time with you while you were still in town. I know that I couldn't lie to you, but I let our friendship go so I wouldn't have to. I'm so sorry. I miss you. Congratulations.

You don't know this (or if you do, you are totally nuts), but you do not have the support of anyone here.

I don't think you ever got over him. I know he got over you, so I guess it doesn't matter. But, just know that I know. I've been where you're at. I know how being a nostalgic, jealous, and lonely girl works. I know how to plant seeds of doubt in a guy's mind. I've been you. But, fortunately, it totally doesn't work with him. I think you've figured that out.

~

I'm sure I'll end up repeating this post at some point. There will always be more to say to different people. Maybe soon I'll write a post saying all the good things I want to say to people. That would probably be more productive.

Anyway, I picked up my wedding dress from the seamstress and my veil, so I can check that stuff off my list. I also started working on my gifts for my bridesmaids and for my husband-to-be. That's exciting. Only 22 more days.

Introductions

Well, since blogging seems to be the new thing to do, I started one. I've blogged before on various other sites, but I've always abandoned the practice as I usually don't have enough time to consistently update it. Lately, though, I finished my first hand-written journal. Front to back. So, I have a little more faith in my consistency.

This is a first post. It is obligated to be an introduction to myself and my life. I'm not sure that myself and my life are very interesting (or at least very interesting to read about), but I will try to summarize the first 21 (almost 22) years of my life.

I am 21 years old (my birthday is the 23rd of this month and I will no longer be 21 at that time). I'm a college student, almost done with a degree in Psychology with an Addiction Studies minor. I've got 6 credits left that I need. I'm taking more than that because I would be phenomenally bored with 6 credits. But, that's what's left before I graduate. I'll graduate Spring 2012, just in time for the world to end. I do plan on going to grad school. Those words are the extent of the current plan.

I'm getting married. In three weeks. I am definitely way behind and not ready at all. Well, I'm ready to be married. I'm just not totally prepared for the event. I'm marrying a wonderful guy named Michael and we are very happy. He buys me nail polish when I have a bad day at work and likes to surprise me with my favorite flavor of chips. He is a musician. We are musicians. We also play video games together and like to take our dog, Sandy, to the park to swim. We both have great families. So, together we have extra fantastic family. I feel exceptionally lucky, as I was married previously and did not have the luxury of a loving set of in-laws.

As far as hobbies go, I don't have time for them. I have a lot, though. Photography, writing (poetry), reading, crafting (mainly collages and paper projects), and I am very into movies. I don't just like movies. I read reviews about movies months before they premier. I am interested in the art of film. I see movies in the same way that I see books. A good film is a piece of history. My favorite movies are The Painted Veil and Dan in Real Life. My favorite movie of this year is Super 8. Seriously, go see it.

I work at a group home for adolescent girls with behavioral problems. I've been working there since March 2010. It's very stressful, but very rewarding. I probably will not talk much about that here, as there are confidentiality issues and, frankly, some things may not make sense to those who don't work there. I love my coworkers and I am so glad to have had the opportunity to start working in the direction I want to have a career in. Working full-time and going to school has been challenging, but someday school will end. I have to keep telling myself that.

Generally, I'm in a pretty good mood. I like to think that I generate my own happiness. Finding happiness in things or people, anything external, only leads to a finite amount of happiness. Contentment, as found in the self, is the surest way to lasting happiness. I'm always telling Mike, "I don't need you." I think at first that was confusing for him, but now he understands. It doesn't mean that he is not dearly enmeshed in my life. It means that I am happy and he is the above and beyond, the cherry on top of my already awesome life. I'd be in trouble if somebody became the source of my happiness. I am the source.

Anyway, Mike and I are headed to the jeweler to pick out our wedding rings. Wish us luck. Hopefully they don't turn out to be too expensive.