1. Fight FairDon't use generalities. Don't attack the person, although you can dismantle the idea. Do not disrespect someone's heritage. Do not belittle your partner. Use sound logic. Avoid fallacies in logic. Start your sentences with 'I feel' instead of 'You are'. Whatever you do, avoid the words 'never', 'always', 'nothing', and 'everything'. Absolutes only require one contradiction to be completely false and they are one of the quickest ways to raise the defenses of another person. Although this may sound like common sense, it is increasingly difficult to do the more you know someone. When you learn someone's weaknesses and buttons, it can be tempting to push them. However, you will not get what you want from an angry partner and they will see a very unpleasant facet of your personality. An unfair fight leaves both parties wounded and resentful, which can lead to outright contempt. Contempt is a deal breaker. There is no turning back from that precipice. This leads me to...
2. Stay in the Present (A.K.A. Burn the Filing Cabinet)
I really hate when the dishes are left in the sink to "soak". Even more than that, I hate when the sponge is left in a "soaking" dish. If those two things happen, I am unlikely to get to the dishes for days at a time. Since I hate when this happens, I know that I'm not the one who continues to do it. I know that some other inhabitant of my apartment is "helping" by "soaking" the dishes and accidentally leaving the sponge in the sink. However, when I find the sponge in the sink, it is my choice on how to proceed. I could recall every time a sponge has been left in a sink I have been in proximity to (which stretches back to my first marriage) and then scream at Michael for being so inconsiderate as to forget that I hate the dishes being in the sink and the sponge being in the dishes. I could also approach the situation as if it is the first time I have ever encountered a sponge in the sink. Because the issue is minuscule, there is no reason for me to become irate in response to it. There's no reason for me to keep a tally of how many times I find the sponge in the sink. I don't need to keep track of how many times I've had to extract the sponge using thumb and index finger, arm stretched as far away from my face as is humanly possible. I can simply approach the situation I am presently in. I can be as upset as I would be if it had happened once. Just in case you didn't catch it, the sponge is a metaphor.
I really hate when the dishes are left in the sink to "soak". Even more than that, I hate when the sponge is left in a "soaking" dish. If those two things happen, I am unlikely to get to the dishes for days at a time. Since I hate when this happens, I know that I'm not the one who continues to do it. I know that some other inhabitant of my apartment is "helping" by "soaking" the dishes and accidentally leaving the sponge in the sink. However, when I find the sponge in the sink, it is my choice on how to proceed. I could recall every time a sponge has been left in a sink I have been in proximity to (which stretches back to my first marriage) and then scream at Michael for being so inconsiderate as to forget that I hate the dishes being in the sink and the sponge being in the dishes. I could also approach the situation as if it is the first time I have ever encountered a sponge in the sink. Because the issue is minuscule, there is no reason for me to become irate in response to it. There's no reason for me to keep a tally of how many times I find the sponge in the sink. I don't need to keep track of how many times I've had to extract the sponge using thumb and index finger, arm stretched as far away from my face as is humanly possible. I can simply approach the situation I am presently in. I can be as upset as I would be if it had happened once. Just in case you didn't catch it, the sponge is a metaphor.
3. Don't Assume Anything
So many people miss out on wonderful things because they assume that was has happened before will happen again. It may not. Don't cheat yourself by responding as if it will. Maybe this time, they will pick up the check. Maybe this time, they will hear your point. Maybe this time, she'll commit. Maybe this time, it'll be different. Something wonderful could happen. If you act as though the past dictates the future, it will. Don't let it.
Well, it's getting fairly late so I'm going to have to throw in the towel. I hope everyone is having a great week. I'm cruising through mine in a new car, so I can't complain.
So many people miss out on wonderful things because they assume that was has happened before will happen again. It may not. Don't cheat yourself by responding as if it will. Maybe this time, they will pick up the check. Maybe this time, they will hear your point. Maybe this time, she'll commit. Maybe this time, it'll be different. Something wonderful could happen. If you act as though the past dictates the future, it will. Don't let it.
Well, it's getting fairly late so I'm going to have to throw in the towel. I hope everyone is having a great week. I'm cruising through mine in a new car, so I can't complain.
I concur.
ReplyDelete